I had not spent years of my early life dreaming or envisioning what I would be or even what I'd want to be when I grew up, but there was this one day in the August of 1991 where I had a vision for my future, a new horizon, if you will, opening up for me and I felt excited inside. I had a new found hope that I would become something, something important, something useful. Every day, since that day, that vision has given me hope. Whenever things would go wrong for me or situation tough I would think on that vision and press on. Well, I've gone through some tough times again and I gotta say this heartache has changed me to the point that I fear I have lost the vision and now what lies before me is a blank horizon.
I was very sad at first when thinking back on my familiar and lovely vision and for the first time it brought no hope for me. It was like I was looking at someone else's future and felt no intimate attachment to it. I'd try to drum up a vision or excitement over my future, but nothing of a true nature worked. I guess part of the sadness was due to the fact that I used to always see a new horizon budding. I'd be filled with new visions and new ideas and would be totally psyched to jump in and get the job done. I love new horizons. I love moving forward. I love the excitement of it all. I loved thinking about the future and where God might be taking me or how God will use me. It always gave me hope to see the future and think about how God could be weaving all the things I was going through for good and how it might possibly touch other lives.
It's been weeks now and I will say that although there are times of sadness, I'm at peace with my blank horizon. One thing about having a blank horizon is that I find that I am now more prone to live in the day. I'm not thinking, "Oh, maybe this will bring that vision to fruition," and things like that. I'm just living life day by day now and it's good. Sometimes I find myself scratchin' my head thinkin' where to next, Lord? But still there is nothing. No vision. No dreams. No ideas.
It's a peaceful, restful and a step at a time, time. I have no thoughts of the future any more because it's just a blank screen, but the Lord knows what my future holds and I'm okay with that because He's holding me too.
I was very sad at first when thinking back on my familiar and lovely vision and for the first time it brought no hope for me. It was like I was looking at someone else's future and felt no intimate attachment to it. I'd try to drum up a vision or excitement over my future, but nothing of a true nature worked. I guess part of the sadness was due to the fact that I used to always see a new horizon budding. I'd be filled with new visions and new ideas and would be totally psyched to jump in and get the job done. I love new horizons. I love moving forward. I love the excitement of it all. I loved thinking about the future and where God might be taking me or how God will use me. It always gave me hope to see the future and think about how God could be weaving all the things I was going through for good and how it might possibly touch other lives.
It's been weeks now and I will say that although there are times of sadness, I'm at peace with my blank horizon. One thing about having a blank horizon is that I find that I am now more prone to live in the day. I'm not thinking, "Oh, maybe this will bring that vision to fruition," and things like that. I'm just living life day by day now and it's good. Sometimes I find myself scratchin' my head thinkin' where to next, Lord? But still there is nothing. No vision. No dreams. No ideas.
It's a peaceful, restful and a step at a time, time. I have no thoughts of the future any more because it's just a blank screen, but the Lord knows what my future holds and I'm okay with that because He's holding me too.
I love your blog Ellen, open and transparent - I so enjoy reading it! I am excited to see what the Lord writes on your blank page, I know it must be something more than incredible because that's our God! He's also using such a wonderful woman of God who has so much to give so I think this next chapter will be absolutely beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much Claire for your kind words =) Love and appreciate you!
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