Celebrating the Ballet Recital!

For many years my sister-in-law threw a wonderful party

after the recital of her two daughters. 

It was a real celebration after a full year of dance.

So, when I began putting my daughters in ballet eight or so years ago

I began celebrating their victory as well.  

Each year I'd ask the girls what kind of cake they would like to have-

this year is it was 

Chocolate Layer cake with cheesecake filling!
(Here is the link to my dear friend's blog and recipe).

I always enjoy decorating!

My sister-in-law found these napkins and plate set,

bought them and surprised us with it! 

I would have hugged and kissed her if I we lived in the same state!

Then, I take a ridiculous amount of pictures of them in their costumes.

(I danced from the time I was six years old until college age 

and I only have two pictures to prove it. Yes, I am over compensating).

Daddy presenting them with their flower bouquets!

Grandma and Grand-daddy celebrated with us.

I find it so important to celebrate our children's successes.

A year of 'ups and downs,' 

perseverance

hard work

and then finally, the reward.

Our Father in heaven 

rejoices over us-

shouldn't we rejoice over our children too!

Anger...the monster in the closet

To this day I have never met anyone, if they are honest enough to admit it, that didn't struggle with some form of anger. So let me put you at ease, everyone deals with anger- you are not the only one. No matter how sweet Aunt Betsy or Grandpa Joe is we all deal with anger.

What is anger? Webster's defines it as, "A strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism."

We all deal with it, so why are we so ashamed of it? Granted, it's not a good character trait for sure, but neither is sarcasm, lying, gossip, and the like. Anger is no better or worse than any other sin because once something is acknowledged as sin Jesus had to die on the cross for it. The cross covers all sin, even anger.

Am I saying that anyone who deals with anger whether on a day-to-day basis or once-a-month that it's okay to have? Am I saying that anger is just another one of our many sins so shrug your shoulders and ignore the issue? No. I'm just saying that the more we deny our sin, in any form, the longer it takes for Jesus to deal with it. If we don't admit it, confess it, repent, and ask for His help, well, then you will remain with anger...the monster in the closet. 

I know for me that I get angry over stupid, little things. It's quite ridiculous the things that upset me. Clothes on the floor, the stairs piled with stuff, an unswept floor, books on the side of a backpack-not in the backpack, a chore not done well. I've confessed my anger and confessed it, but haven't had any real break through until I  *surrendered* it to Jesus to heal me.

I know people would say to me, "You're just a perfectionist and you want things perfect." That's not true and I know it. I'm not a perfectionist and even still to get frustrated or angry over little things is not right. I had to go to the Lord and ask Him to show me what was going on in my heart. He brought me back to my childhood.

A memory that I have had to deal with many times was the day my father kicked me out of the house. My mother had at that time left the family and my father was completely beside himself, but only showed it in the way of his fierce anger. One day my friend and I were watching a movie in the basement. My father walked in angry with me because I was watching television.-he hated any form of or appearance of laziness. He told me with a controlled rage,

"Make sure you rewind the video tape and put it back in its box. 

Did you hear what I said? 

Make sure you rewind the video tape and put it back in its box."  

I was 14 years old and at this point of my life had convinced myself that my father was a crazy man, knew to obey him, but was able to enjoy the rest of Peter Pan. The movie ended and my friend realized the time. She was told to be home by 5 p.m. She grabbed her stuff and we looked at the tape. I put the video in the video re-winder and said, "Don't worry I'll drop you off (which only meant I'd walk her half way home) come home and put the video in the box." I left with fear beginning to rumble inside me.

When I came home I was immediately grabbed by my father and thrown into his room. He was only about 4 or so inches taller than me, but had the strength of a beast. He began yelling at me and threatening my life. After much time I was thrown out of my house and told to never come back.

I have more stories of my father's rage and abuse than I have space to write. I have memories that haunt me to this day. Fears that well up in me out of what appears to be no where. And I have anger that creeps up on me just as fast too. What's the connection? Did I inherit a piece of my father's rage? Am I doomed to this curse forever? The answer is no. I am a new creation "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17) So, how, if I am a new creation do I still have the old sin, like anger, still a part of my every day life? Well, Scriptures says in 1 Peter 2:1-3 "Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, ³ now that you have tasted that the Lord is good."  We are a new creation, a baby, who needs to grow up, who needs healing. 

So, I've been 'growing up' alot over the last thirteen years! What I believe the Lord showed me was how fear is a driving force for my anger. I am so afraid of upsetting the authority in my life that I try to be perfect. When, of course, I fail, I am filled with frustration. I begin worrying about the consequences that will come down on me and at the same time frustrated or angry wishing I could have been perfect.  So, when things in my life don't run perfectly as I have planned, fear starts, but it shows itself as anger.  Even though my father is not in my life, and for that matter my sisters who would abuse me too, it took me a long time not to fear the authority in my life and even my own husband. I used to think when we were first married, "What if I do something really wrong, like burn the dinner? Will that arouse in him a hidden rage monster?" It was subconscious for sure, but I worked hard to please him and make him happy so I would never have to find out.

When kiddies came along  I was still working hard to please my husband. Keeping the house perfect had been easy with one and then two children, but when number three and  four came along-well not so easy. I would get angry with them because I was afraid that my husband would disapprove of me and get angry with me.  If the house was messy when he got home I was afraid he would think I was lazy, a slacker. I would say to the kids, "Daddy will be home in half-an-hour- hurry let's go through the house and pick up after ourselves. Everything was already perfect, but I had to make one final run-through to make sure. (If any of you know my husband you would think, "Ellen, how could you think that of Ben?" It wasn't Ben. It was being afraid of any authority in my life).

1. What I have learned is that I can't just 'confess' my anger away and hope that God will magically take away years, and years and years, of pain or hurt or even fear- I had to deal with, yet again, FEAR. Fear of abuse. Fear that I will not be accepted, fear of failure, fear of being abandoned. I've had to go to the Scriptures and find out just how much God loves me. Scripture says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18) I had to look again at how He cares for me and protects me. Some of the Scriptures I've had to read over and over again. "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Luke 12:7)  "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." (Psalm 27:9-11) And please don't mistake me for being a calm, placid, patient mom now-I am not. I am still fiery, determined, and impatient, just a little less angry with each year that passes.

2-- I had to deal with the fact that I am not perfect and I will never be perfect. I had to deal with the fact that I am not always going to please my husband, family or friends- (try as I may). I am a sinner, lost and broken and am in very much need of my Lord. When I fail my own expectations I have to forgive myself and trust the Lord to help me to not give up on myself. To keep trying, keep hoping for change.

3--I had to learn that God loves me no matter what. That was the hardest. How come God doesn't give up on me like my own earthly father? I learned that it is because God is God and not man. We can not grasp how high and wide and deep is the love of God. "I pray out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and how long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:16-19)

4--I had to learn that my husband and others love me. They love me not for my successes, and not despite my failures, they just love me. I've always tried to give people a reason to love me, but I don't have to try anymore- they love me and I am still learning to accept it. I don't need to be afraid of loosing or gaining love. God loves me and with that confidence I can receive other's love.

5--I had to learn to lower my expectations on myself, my husband, my children, family, friends, church members, etc. I have found that I have placed certain requirements on people according to their role in my life. Without realizing it I made the level of expectation too high for everyone, including myself-it seemed like everyone was always letting me down. I would get frustrated and hurt. I've had to see each person differently and accept what they can offer to the relationship instead of demanding what I wanted or needed.

I guess I wrote this article not only to share with you my own life struggles with anger, but encourage you that there is freedom- "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (Galatians 5:1) We don't have to pretend that we have it all together. We don't have to pretend to be sweet, adoring moms or women and all the while we have this anger hanging out in our closet. We don't have to pretend because God wants it to be real. He wants us to truly know His patience, His love and acceptance and His forgiveness so we be free from anger and can pass freedom along to others and our children. God doesn't call us to be fake, He calls us to be genuine, as He is genuine, with no monsters in our closets.

I found nine different times in Scripture where it teaches and reminds us that God is compassionate, loving, forgiving, gracious and slow to anger. My goal in life is to be like Him.

-The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness." Exodus 34:6

-"The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion." (Numbers 14: 18)

-"But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love." (Nehemiah 9:17)

-"But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. (Psalm 86:15)

-"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love." (Psalm 103:8)

-"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." (Psalm 145:8)

-The Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity." (Joel 2:13)

-"I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity." (Jonah 4:2)

-"The Lord is slow to anger, but great in power, the will not leave the guilty unpunished." (Nahum 1:3)

Mangia! Death by Pasta

I'm Italian. I'm 100% Italian. I'm second generation American. So, between the title of this article and the fact that I am Italian should clue you in on the fact that I will be sharing about the one thing all Italians LOVE and that is food.

Growing up hearing my grandmother say, "Mangia, MANGIA!!," (That's Italian for, "Eat, EAT!!"), my mother saying, "Let me put up the espresso and get out the pastries," and my father saying, "There's only a little bit left- don't make me throw it away." I've learned a thing or two about what food means to Italians. Bottom line: food is their way of blessing those around them. Italians are a very hospitable people. They love opening their homes to friends and family and serving food-and they do it well. Getting together and food are synonymous. If an Italian asks you over, be assured that there will be food served. You'll come for lunch, dessert or dinner or of course a cuppa cawffee. They will think about what you'd love to eat, from an Italian cuisine of course, prepare the food list, purchase it all, and love cooking and serving you. When Italians serve food it is a way to honor you and bless you and there is more than plenty-no one goes hungry-believe me.

Okay, my title, Death by Pasta. You ask, "If they're serving out of love, to bless and honor you, why is the title Death by Pasta?" Well, food can become an idol for many us. You see food represents a time to celebrate. A time to gather together. A time to reward ourselves. It is also there to lift you up and make you  feel better when you're down. In other words, food becomes the answer to everything, good or bad.

I remember once there was an argument in the house that lasted all day. It took until 11 pm for the parties involved to finally make up. At 11 pm my father went out to get fresh, hot bagels and whipped cream cheese to celebrate the reconciliation. Did you hear that? Eleven o'clock at night they broke bread!

This lifestyle was a hard one to fight, but I did for most of my life, until about five years ago when a dear friend wounded me to the heart. I crumbled and found comfort in food. I remember one day I felt like I heard the still, small voice of the Lord gently say, "Stop." But to Him I replied, "I'm sorry Lord, I just can't." That day, I gave up on God in this area of my life. I chose food over God to comfort me. Since that time every time I have been deeply hurt I have found myself running to food. It really doesn't matter what it is, I just eat and eat hoping that it'll make me happy, but of course it doesn't. With every pound I have gained I actually have become more sad and in response to that I eat more. It has become a viscous cycle.

I have recently begun working out and eating right, (I wrote an article about it: "Fit by Forty-___!) Along with working out I have also added an element of repentance. With every step I take or jog I run I pray for the Lord to forgive me and release me from this grip with food. I pray while I am perspiring. As my pores are opening and releasing the sweat, I pray that in the same way my heart will release hurt, pain and shame right out of my body. I pray to be free from this bondage and I know that only through Jesus will I be healed.  I need God to set me free from all the lies of how food can satisfy or heal my sad heart or how food can make a celebration even better.

It is hard for me to believe that I have spent the last five years over-eating whenever I have been sad. I now have so much regret. I think, "Why didn't I run to God more?" "Why didn't I heed the Lord's voice?" It is so hard looking at the rebellious decision I made in over-eating and it's consequences. In my regret I also wish I had gotten counsel for a few of the harder times I went through. I tell you, the last two years have felt like I was in the boxing ring with Life. In short, I was being pummelled by Life. Life was so hard and it knocked me off my feet that, well, I gave up again on caring about me.

So, as I walk or run each day I pray for a new beginning. I pray for God to teach me to run to Him. I pray for Him to heal my brokenness (because food never did do the trick).  Every day when I shower I pray for a cleansing not only of my body, but of my heart, and mind. I pray that He will pour over me a gladness and renew my life with joy. I pray not only for a new body, but a new heart. I pray that my weight loss will be testimony to the Lord's goodness to me. A testimony of a healed heart. For me the weight loss will be a sign of His forgiveness. A sign of the covenant I make to the Lord to never allow food to take the place of Him again. This weight loss is all for the glory of my King who never left me, even when I shut Him out of an area of my life. 

Fit by Forty-_____!

 I'm at that place in my life again where weight-loss is very much needed, but instead of setting some unrealistic goal like, 'fit in four weeks" for some big event, I've decided to put not the least bit of pressure on myself and just loose the weight by learning how to live right. This diet is for the long-term-a new life style for me.

Most people say, "Fit by Forty," but I'm past forty and so I have set a different goal: fit by forty-___ blank.  Forty-what? I'm not sure. It doesn't matter so much to me as to the when, as it does the fact that I need to just get started.

It all started back in January when I noticed my neighbor out walking one morning. Then I saw her walking the next day and the next and the next. It didn't seem to matter to her if it was a terribly cold day or even rainy. She was out walking. Then a few weeks ago she announced on Facebook that she had lost twenty pounds! I was so proud of her. She did it and she did it through walking. I had always thought that you might start out walking for exercise, but eventually you would get into jogging or running. I'm not a runner and never have been so the thought of jogging for weight loss has always been very intimidating.

Well, I invited her over last week to ask her how she did it. How did you change your life style? How do you stay committed to being healthy? How do you stay committed to exercising every day? She answered all my questions and I learned a lot.

1- First thing she told me was that she bought a fit bit -a pedometer. She clips it on in the morning and she doesn't have to think about it the rest of the day. Her daily goal is to walk 10 miles a day! And she does it! So, I went out to Wal-Mart and got myself not a fit-bit, but a pedometer just the same. I've clipped it on and  I am walking! I have made my goal at walking 5 miles a day. I walk 2 in the morning, 2 in the evening and with all the walking I do with six kids it's easy to get in the last mile!

2- I asked her 'Where do you walk?" Being a New Yorker I am nervous about walking alone around the block at any time of day. She told me that she is nervous about it too, but she sticks to the major roads. I was encouraged. I now know where to walk. For whatever reason I thought I had to walk around the block. I am so glad that I made myself vulnerable, asked stupid questions and got some really solid advice.

3-I asked her, "Doesn't it get boring?" She said no because she walks when her favorite radio shows are on. She walks in the morning and catches the news and feels set for the day. Call me crazy, but I hadn't ever thought of listening to the radio. I keep adding songs to my playlist, but in a few days am bored with them and then bored with my workout.

4- I asked her, "How do you stay with walking when let's say you get down?" I find for myself whenever I get bad news, I get disappointed with myself, I'm missing my best friend, or simply someone hurts my feelings, I actually feel physically weak. I'll tell myself, "You're feeling down- give yourself grace and take the day off from working out." Well, with that comes all the emotionally eating! I'll binge for the day, get more down and disappointed in myself and before I know it I've not worked out for not just one day, but for the week! Well, she said, "My fit-bit keeps me going. I don't want to let it down." WOW! I totally got what she was saying. The pedometer has become like a coach egging her to work out and keep going! That helped me a lot. She also said that she has now been in this routine lifestyle for 5 months and it really has become part of her life. Working out seven days a week is not a struggle. (I can't wait until I can say that!!!)

5- The next thing she told me was that she wrote everything down. Every day she weighs herself, keeps count of her calories and her mileage and writes it down. She not only has a record of success, but she said that in writing down all she ate, when she would want some junk food she found herself not wanting to write that on her chart. Keeping the record of all she walked and ate helped keep her to be accountable to the weight loss goal she had created. I was very encouraged. Okay, so for me I find I don't have the time to do all the calorie counting and typing into my computer all that info, but I did create a calendar center where I can write my daily weight and miles walked. As far as calorie counting I have decided to drink an Atkins drink for breakfast, a huge green salad for lunch, a 90 calorie snack and then a portion sized dinner. That's the best  I can do right now and I'm good with that. To be totally honest with you, I am not a detailed oriented person. I get frustrated with trying to find the calories of each little thing I eat, adding it up and all of that. I've tried it, got so frustrated that I stopped dieting! For me, I just need to be conscious of what I eat - no more bingeing! (I am working on an article about my emotional eating. I hope to have that out soon!)

So, the next day I got on my walking/exercise clothes, tied my laces and set out...with my son. I had not expected a partner. Running/walking on the treadmill all these years I've been alone, but now with the open outdoors my son asked if he could come with me. I was honestly a little resistant at first. I wanted to walk out the door, independent, radio in hand, ready to smack my fears down alone, but what could I say? Well, I said, "sure," and boy did he talk a stream. We sped walked for 2 miles, (in a little less than a half-hour), he never was at a loss for words. It was wonderful! I never get a full thirty minutes uninterrupted with my child ever! I got to ask him questions and my son and I just talked. It was amazing. He walked with me for two days. When my next oldest child saw that my son stopped walking with me, she decided she wanted to walk with me. I must have smiled the entire time. She talked faster than my son and she certainly got in a lot more in than he did! She and I talked about so many things it was truly wonderful.

Yes, there have been days I have walked alone and they have been special too. I am determined to walk alone or with a child of mine. Through this new adventure of walking and loosing weight I can also use the time as a little date time with my children. God is blessing this and I am very grateful for this new season in my life. I hope someone out there learned something or is encouraged to get started.

Godly Girls Summer Camp 2013!

Godly Girls Summer Camp 2013!!!!

Meeting God at the Beach

It has been my desire to speak into our girls’ lives about the love of Jesus, to show them that Jesus has a plan for their lives as young ladies and how God also has a plan for them as future women, wives and mothers. This is my fifth year of Godly Girls where I have been given the opportunity to do what God has called me to do!

Each day is broken down into five different parts: a spiritual time, 'high tea,' craft, lunch, journal and a time to reflect. Our opening and closing time together is a spiritual one. We will spend time reading specific scriptures that go along with our theme, allow for discussion, and learn how to journal and to pray. This summer we will spend time each day focusing on stories where Jesus is near 'water' or sand: I’m calling it, "Meeting Jesus at the Beach." I am passionate about teaching the children the Word of God and talking to them about the different parables Jesus shared or stories of Jesus touching lives. 

For instance: Day three is entitled, "Jesus plays with the sand too!"  I'll be sharing from the book of John chapter 8. In this chapter we find a woman who has sinned and ready to be stoned. Jesus is fingering the sand. He tells her,“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” I will share with the girls that no matter what we have done, once we have confessed our sins to the Lord, we are forgiven and He does not condemn us. The craft for the day will include a chance for the girls to play with sand too! We will be making sand art! 

Our craft time will take in the practical side of who we are as ladies. Each craft is to help prepare them for the future role God has for them one day. I’ll be teaching them how decorate a wooden picture frame with shells, how to make 'balloon" flip flops, sand art, jewelry making and baking! Each year I spend the last day speaking to them about outreach or ministry to the lost and teaching them to make a craft to give away.

And finally, our tea time and lunch time will be a time of learning how to sit, eat and talk like ladies at the table.

Date: July 8 – 12th                               Time: 10am to 1pm

Attire: a dress/comfortable clothing      Please pack a lunch

Fee: $50/week + registration                 Please bring a Bible & journal

I do hope you are able to take part in this very special and fun week. If you are interested, please copy the registration form, fill it out and send it to me along with the registration check of $15.00. (The registration fee is so I can hold your spot and begin buying craft items).

Joy in Jesus,                                       

Ellen Gill ~ joy.in.jesus@cox.net

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Godly Girls Registration

Child’s Name:_________________________________________________

Child’s age:___________________________________________________

Parents name:_________________________________________________

Phone number:________________ cell phone:_______________________

Does your child know how to bake? Own an apron?

______________________________________________________________

Anything you feel I need or should know about your child?

______________________________________________________________

***Registration fee: $15.00  

(Two or more daughters in the class registration is $10/child)

***Please respond no later than Friday, June 14, 2013.

Feel free to contact me:  joy.in.jesus@cox.net

So looking forward to spending time with all the girls.

 God is sooooo good and I can’t wait to share His love

with each one of them!!!

Blessings, and Joy,

Ellen Gill