Sunday, July 3, 2011

"Perfect love drives out all fear..."

The Lord is doing a new and difficult work in me. He is revealing my fears and insecurities and I'm scared. I am scared to face all this stuff- scared to see how much I've failed for so long. I guess it is self-righteous to say, "I thought I dealt with this years ago-I should be passed this."  "I'm too old to STILL be dealing with this much fear." But the plain truth is...I never dealt with all the fear- I've avoided it and now the Lord wants to deal with it.

Fear has been instilled in me since I was a child. From my father's wrath- to my sisters rage. I can still see my father's face completely enraged, puffed up, and red. Eyes glazed. Teeth grinding. I can still see the strong arms of my sister. I can still hear their voices yelling. the hatred. I was frightened.

I can still remember being frozen in fear when they came after me with ropes and tied me up. I still remember the difficulty of breathing. I still remember the beating. The rejection. The isolation. being all alone.

I am still afraid. I am afraid of being rejected. Being yelled at. being abused. Being wrong. (When I was wrong I was punished-abused-rejected). 

I hate being afraid. I hate being so insecure. I hate being afraid of being wrong. I hate how all of this has effected my relationships with people.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." ( 1John 4:18)

Jesus, your perfect love drives out all fear. Come Lord and fill me with your perfect love. Drive away all this fear. Let me know of your love for me. Let me sit in your lap- the lap of my true Father, and take in who I am-your daughter. Fill me so I can laugh. fill me so I can dance. fill me so I may know true joy in your presence.