Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I'm Growing Up

If I could call my friend right now I would want to just talk and talk and talk. So many good things are happening in my life that I am spilling over with this insatiable desire to talk. But I know that no friend wants me to talk without taking a breath for hours. So, I am going through my days without saying a word to anyone for fear if I start chatting I will not stop!

For years I have cried out to God to change me, mature me, make me new, and yet I'd feel as though nothing was happening. For example, I would get so discouraged when my feelings would get hurt by a silly joke someone made at my expense. I knew in my head they were just kidding around and golly, I make jokes all the time, but there I was hurt and feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't stand it. I wanted to grow up and stop getting so hurt. I'd also get so discouraged when I'd look around and see that I really had just a few friends. I would think, "When will I be accepted?' When will I be liked? But year after year nothing changed and my feelings would get hurt. The list of offenses, hurts, and discouragement could go on.

The good news is I am finally growing up!!! I know who I am, finally, and I am really happy with me. I know that must sound so cliche, but this is huge for me. I actually have no worries about being accepted or rejected and I can even laugh at jokes!

I am finally comfortable with how God has made me. I am not bucking and trying to change the things in me that He wants there. I used to pray, "Lord, help me to fit in. Help me to be like other Christians."  It's funny now to think that, that was a prayer I prayed. God didn't and doesn't want me to be like anyone else, but how He has made me. He doesn't want me following someone else's calling, but my own. He wants me to be faithful to the calling He has for my life.  He is calling me to be different and I am finally content with that.

How did I get here? Well, I finally let go. I actually released the death grip on my idea of what my life should look like, what kind of friends I should have, what kind of church was right for me, what my house was supposed to look like, what kind of a wife, mother, and friend I was supposed to be. In other words, I gave up. I gave up the fight with God. I have been wrestling like Jacob for years and didn't even know it. I kept pleading for Him to change His mind on how He wanted me to live, but God would not be budged. I gave up my vision for my life, my own pressures, my own expectations and have for the first time in a long time able to sit quiet before God. My prayers used to be filled with alot of begging and pleading, worry and anxiety. I would cry out to God for changes that He knew were not right for me. (I'm so glad that He didn't change His mind. For all the things I thought were going to be wonderful for me, I see now were not).

Honestly, It's been exhausting. I've been trying to "live right" before God with the definition of what right living is according to Ellen and not God. I've carried a burden or a weight on my back for years on how my life is supposed to be. And I have to tell you in my 'black and white' thinking I was so sure I was right. Letting it all go was not easy.
I wrestled with God.
                              God won.
                                             I lost.
But actually I won because He won.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-31.

I really never fully understood that scripture until now. I have to first let go of my burden in order to pick up His lighter burden. The letting go and the trusting God part of that scripture hinges on our doing something. Our part? Surrender, then God can bring peace. So many times we want the peace before we surrender the burden, but it just cannot happen that way.  For peace comes with the surrender.

Now for the talking part. Through all the different things I've gone through in my life I see how much I want to teach others. I love TEACHING! Teaching school, teaching homeschool, teaching the Word of God. But now I want to share about my marriage and how we have had to press in to get through. I want to talk about parenting and homeschooling. I want to share my stories of failures and victories. I want to talk about how God is continually growing me and stretching me. I want to talk and talk and talk!

I want to talk about how much I love children and how much children need to be loved. I want to talk about how much I love the people in my life and how precious each one is to me. I want to lay my hands on each friend and pray for them and hope that God will give me a word of encouragement for their lives.  I want to share the love of Jesus with everyone I bump into. My heart is just bursting with compassion.

But for now I gladly sit at my computer busily typing up the words I want to share.

Bottom line- Surrender to God and trust Him for He is trustworthy and believe that His heart of love is overflowing for you.

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