I don't like using the 's' word, especially about myself, but my heart has been pricked again and again until I was forced to finally admit it...I'm selfish. I didn't think I was being selfish, but the Lord knows my heart and He pegged it accurately-selfishness is at the root of some of my issues.
Okay, let me give you the biggest selfish act that I have had to deal with over these last couple of weeks.-"me time." Now, before you say, "Ellen, everyone needs time alone" let me explain. Over the last several months I found myself, for example, doing a job quickly just so I could get it done and somehow find a 'minute of peace.' I even raced through playing a board game with my little one just so I could say, "I played the game with you, and now mommy needs to check her facebook. (!) I noticed I was doing it here and there and not getting any real alone time, nor was I ever satisfied. Before I knew it I would be called by one of the kids and had to jump back into life, but then I was agitated. I was constantly looking for 'me time,' not getting it and feeling frustrated. So, how is this selfish? Well, I wasn't taking time to do the things that I, as a mom, a homeschooling mom and wife, needed to do. I was racing through my work- I was running.
In my quiet time of prayer with the Lord I asked Him, "What am I running for? "What am I running from?" Slowly He began to show me. I was feeling overwhelmed with my responsibility of homeschooling my six children. It felt like it was all too much and I was drowning with the all the book reports, reading, grading tests, and preparing their report cards. I was remembering how I used to have these great Bible times with the children and now they weren't so great. "How do I get it back?" I was thinking about, "How do I cook, clean and teach the kids and somehow find time for me? I just couldn't face it. And then I thought, "What's the point of facing this when I know what the answer was..."Get back to work, Ellen!" I have to be honest with you I was scared to face it. But as I did face it with God. He gave me a new schedule and plan for getting in all my work with the children each day, and even a really wonderful Bible time.
Okay, so, here is the new schedule:
6:30am - 7am Breakfast
7am - 7:30am Clean up breakfast, get dressed, do morning chores
7:30am -8am Bible Time (Totally psyched about our time together!)
8am-9:30am Teaching time with two youngest
9:30am-10:30am Teaching time with my 6th grader
10:30am-11:30am Teaching time with my 4th graders
11:30am Clean up (a little) prepare lunch
1pm-3pm Teaching time with my 8th grader
(My eighth grader and I work in the kitchen now and I'm finding when he doesn't need me, I stay in the kitchen, but start preparing dinner. By the time I finish working with him, my diner is just about done).
School is officially done for the day at 3pm-that is for me! That includes giving quizzes and tests, grading them, marking it down on the progress reports, checking homework, review work and new work.
At three o'clock I feel like I have not only spent good quality time with each of my children, but I have accomplished what is in my heart to do. At three o'clock I tell my kids that I want to have my Bible time and I do. No one interrupts me. I am alone for about half and hour with the Lord. I come out feeling refreshed and ready to face the rest of my day.
In the evenings I am not sitting at the table grading tests, or preparing for the next day. I am restful. I have each evening free to spend time with my husband, work on my blog, complete the Pre-K curriculum I am writing, bake...whatever. I no longer have a pit in my stomach full of fear of all the things I have to do and get done because it is already done. I feel confident now. I feel in charge. The kids have quickly fallen in love with the schedule and it is running smoothly. (I have to tweak the little ones schedule for the 10:30am -11:30am time, but I confident that the Lord will reveal to me what I should do).
It amazes me how Mommy-life is complete sacrifice again and again. Dying to selfish ways...again and again. I thought it was going to hurt more, but funny, it's not as bad as I thought. And I realized too, that I didn't need all the alone time I had been looking for, because it wasn't a need for true alone time as much as a chance to run away from my many responsibilities. I don't think I ever thought mommyhood would be this hard and yet so rewarding at the same time.
I hope you got something out of all this...I know it's my struggle with selfishness and fear of responsibility, but in some way I hope you benefit from it. I hope you see a loving God who knew my heart better than I did. A God who is gentle, loving and forgiving. A God who really does have a plan for each of our lives. I am completely blessed by the schedule He gave to me, but you may feel overwhelmed by it and that's okay- it's my schedule, not yours. Ask Him to show you, if you need help ordering your day, what will bring order and peace to your day and your heart.
Okay, let me give you the biggest selfish act that I have had to deal with over these last couple of weeks.-"me time." Now, before you say, "Ellen, everyone needs time alone" let me explain. Over the last several months I found myself, for example, doing a job quickly just so I could get it done and somehow find a 'minute of peace.' I even raced through playing a board game with my little one just so I could say, "I played the game with you, and now mommy needs to check her facebook. (!) I noticed I was doing it here and there and not getting any real alone time, nor was I ever satisfied. Before I knew it I would be called by one of the kids and had to jump back into life, but then I was agitated. I was constantly looking for 'me time,' not getting it and feeling frustrated. So, how is this selfish? Well, I wasn't taking time to do the things that I, as a mom, a homeschooling mom and wife, needed to do. I was racing through my work- I was running.
Okay, so, here is the new schedule:
6:30am - 7am Breakfast
7am - 7:30am Clean up breakfast, get dressed, do morning chores
7:30am -8am Bible Time (Totally psyched about our time together!)
8am-9:30am Teaching time with two youngest
9:30am-10:30am Teaching time with my 6th grader
10:30am-11:30am Teaching time with my 4th graders
11:30am Clean up (a little) prepare lunch
1pm-3pm Teaching time with my 8th grader
(My eighth grader and I work in the kitchen now and I'm finding when he doesn't need me, I stay in the kitchen, but start preparing dinner. By the time I finish working with him, my diner is just about done).
School is officially done for the day at 3pm-that is for me! That includes giving quizzes and tests, grading them, marking it down on the progress reports, checking homework, review work and new work.
At three o'clock I feel like I have not only spent good quality time with each of my children, but I have accomplished what is in my heart to do. At three o'clock I tell my kids that I want to have my Bible time and I do. No one interrupts me. I am alone for about half and hour with the Lord. I come out feeling refreshed and ready to face the rest of my day.
In the evenings I am not sitting at the table grading tests, or preparing for the next day. I am restful. I have each evening free to spend time with my husband, work on my blog, complete the Pre-K curriculum I am writing, bake...whatever. I no longer have a pit in my stomach full of fear of all the things I have to do and get done because it is already done. I feel confident now. I feel in charge. The kids have quickly fallen in love with the schedule and it is running smoothly. (I have to tweak the little ones schedule for the 10:30am -11:30am time, but I confident that the Lord will reveal to me what I should do).
It amazes me how Mommy-life is complete sacrifice again and again. Dying to selfish ways...again and again. I thought it was going to hurt more, but funny, it's not as bad as I thought. And I realized too, that I didn't need all the alone time I had been looking for, because it wasn't a need for true alone time as much as a chance to run away from my many responsibilities. I don't think I ever thought mommyhood would be this hard and yet so rewarding at the same time.
I hope you got something out of all this...I know it's my struggle with selfishness and fear of responsibility, but in some way I hope you benefit from it. I hope you see a loving God who knew my heart better than I did. A God who is gentle, loving and forgiving. A God who really does have a plan for each of our lives. I am completely blessed by the schedule He gave to me, but you may feel overwhelmed by it and that's okay- it's my schedule, not yours. Ask Him to show you, if you need help ordering your day, what will bring order and peace to your day and your heart.
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