Thursday, September 15, 2011

"So Don't be Afraid"-(Big Head of Hair...yeah that's me: Part 2)

So, fast forward twenty or so years and you'll find that Matthew 10:30 still means a great deal to me. It was one of those scriptures that every time I read it, it ministered true comfort-even confidence, in me. I could quote it for you--"And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered." now I have to tell you, I have read the book of Matthew upwards of twenty times-I should know the scripture-right? so much so that I should be able to tell you the scripture that comes right after it.  -"You are worth more than many sparrows."  I loved this verse too because it would always take me back to Matthew 6:25-34. How God cares for the birds of the air and the Lillie's of the field-and if He cares for them-how much more He cares for us.

Ao here I am reading the book of Matthew again and going over this verse during a time that God is doing a work in me in the area of fear. And guess what...the verses read, "And the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."  "So don't be afraid."  There it is again. It was so amazing to me that, for some reason, I didn't remember that verse. I guess I was in a place of not being able to even read, hear, or see that. my brain or heart couldn't grasp-NOT being afraid-so I guess I just didn't see it.

Now that I am reading the book of Matthew -in a time where God is revealing so much to me- I am seeing His words of "don't be afraid" every where. Matthew 6:25-34, 8:26, 10:26, 10:28, 10:30, 14:27, 17:7, and so far, that's as far as I've gotten.  Jesus is calling me, us, to not be afraid. i never realized before this year just how many things i have been afraid of. i thought i was pretty faithful-("ye of little faith") thought i was pretty bold-i felt i stood up for myself and stated my opinions clearly-(nice try ;)

true story: years ago, while living in new york with hubby, we wanted to buy a co-op. (a co-op is kinda like owning a condo, only different-yes, I'm very helpful). our friend was a real estate agent and she found one for us. it was a great deal-the people had been looking to sell for a long time-we wanted it-it was a perfect situation. well one day we really wanted to see the co-op again, but we weren't allowed-there's some rule/law that doesn't allow us to go into the home without the owners permission. but seeing as the real estate agent was our friend-she gave us the key(!)

anyway, when we got into the apartment (the people had already moved out) we saw what a mess it was. we thought well, we'll clean it up. we were there for hours going through their stuff- putting stuff in garbage bags- making piles of stuff they probably would want and stuff we'd like to have -if they never came back for it, etc. we locked up the place and left. needless to say, when we got home there was a message from our friend the real-estate lady. she was all upset with us because the people downstairs called the owners of the said co-op. our friend reminded us that it was against the rules for us to have been in there, and what were we doing, we'll probably loose the apt over this...yada,yada, yada. i was filled with such fear. fear of getting in trouble. fear of loosing the apt. fear of having to find another place and not finding another place. fear of -gosh, so much regret.

well, for the next few weeks all i could do was talk about it- but talk about it in complete fear. do you know what i mean? every waking thought i had a pit in my stomache just waiting for the bomb to drop. i was begging everyone i knew to pray that it would all work out. (they were not prayers of faith). i cried over our sin of taking the key and disregarding the rules. i was a mess for weeks. as it turns out- we got the apt., no punishment came on us and not only that the owners actually thanked us for cleaning up the place-they said it made moving so much easier for them!

after that -once settled in the apt.- i confessed my sin of fear and anxiety. i couldn't believe how i had spent weeks worrying-and all that time -God knew. He knew it was all going to work out. I vowed to the Lord that day that i would never again worry like that. that the next time i mess up and potentially ruin a good thing or just worry - i would trust Him.  i've done okay...but God is pushing me to do much better.

it's funny how "not being afraid" is a decision we make. i've chosen so many times not to be afraid when it would be "natural" to do so.  and then there have been so many times where i just got swept away with fear. it's gotta change.  i've got to change.

Lord, i confess, once again, my fear. my fear of change. fear of confrontation. fear of letting others down- you know the list. fill me with your perfect love that drives out all fear. help me to trust you more deeply in every area of my life. help me to live in peace. help me to "sleep" during the big and little storms. love you so very much. your ellie.

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