Sunday, September 11, 2011

Change...It's a Good Thing.

I don't know if I am one or not, but I am going to try harder to be a better friend.

What is a friend?...Well, I think it's someone who really stands by you. Is really there for you-I guess the way you would think family would be. I see "friends" in the movies-they have b.b.q's together, hang out, go on vacations together etc. I want all that too. I guess it's gotta be my fault that I don't have that kind of friendships in my life.

I have in my mind that before I invite friends over that the house has to be perfectly cleaned (which I can't seem to attain anymore), food delicious and plenty of it, (which I can't really afford right now), and a perfect looking backyard, (which requires waaay to much work). I guess as much as I want the closeness of friends I have that many more excuses NOT to have it. It's so sad.

I have been really busy too. Pregnancy made me really tired. Having had the baby I was always tired. And running several ministries made me just too busy to do much of anything else. so two years ago, I had Daniel and was pregnant with Joyelle, I was the nursery coordinator, teaching Kingdom Kids, (Sunday School class ages 5-11) and running the church VBS for the first time. After having the baby I let go of the Kingdom Kids responsibility, but was caring for my infant and five other children, and also ran the VBS. It's been a really busy two years. Well, I'm not pregnant, I don't have a new born and I'm down to one ministry. Now that I am down to one ministry I think I will have more time on my hands to daily get my house clean and keep it clean and work on the backyard.

Now for the other reason I've not had the friends I've always wished for-I've been too afraid. deep down I've been afraid to get tooo close. To really allow people in my life. I think it's so sad that I have so much love in my heart, so much I want to give, so much that I want to give away, but I've been to trapped into thinking that I'm not good enough to be a person's good friend. Not good enough for anyone to want to be my friend.  I think I'm over that now. I guess I'm entering into a new season. The season where mom is really at home, cooking, cleaning, with an open door for friends to stop by and hang out.  I'm looking forward to it.

Don't get me wrong, I have great friends-I just want - - deeper. deeper friendships. I want to be open in my person, in my home- more transparent in every way.

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