Thursday, March 12, 2015

Hope, No Longer, Deferred

For years, and I mean years, I have had my eyes on my 'future.' I have thought about what I will day. I'll never forget the first time someone encouraged me about my future...let's just say, I became prideful and ended up in a cult. Okay, so that encouragement didn't work out so well for me, but there have been other encouraging words that really, when it comes right down to it, haven't done much for me either, except keep me discontented. Yes, these uplifting words start out as a hope, but as the Scripture says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick,..." (Proverbs 13:12) My heart has been sick.

What kinds of encouraging words have been said? The list is long, so get ready: I was told that I would be a 'master teacher,' a children's book author and illustrator (that would bring a financial blessing to my family), the next Beth Moore, the next  Joyce Meyers, I will have a ministry to women, and I have heard many, many, many times, "God is going to use you for something BIG." This sounds all very exciting, and I am not mocking anyone who has said these words to me, BUT these words have gotten my eyes off of what God has presently and actually put before me for the day.

 I remember saying in complete frustration, after having my twin babies, having no sleep, changing about ten or more diapers a day and countless feedings, "I must have been made for more than this!" Why would I feel frustrated with an answer to prayer? I prayed and prayed to be blessed with children, God graciously gave them to me, but when I finally had them, I was frustrated. Why? Because I had my mind filled with all that I will become one day and I was 'wasting' my time just changing diapers today.

And to top it off, I had believed, after hearing all these encouraging words, that I HAD to do something, I had to do my share, my part in making all these things come to fruition in my life. I had to help God. For instance, "If I am going to be a famous children's author and illustrator than I have to start writing and illustrating books. God can't publish a book by Himself and put my name on it, right?" So, I put MORE busy into my already busy life. I thought, "Well, if God is going to use me to bless women, then I better help out in the women's ministry, right? This only added more stress to a stress-filled, stay-at-home, homeschooling, mommy life.

Truly, I think the words spoken over me were given to me from the most precious people and their heart was to encourage me, bless me, and give me hope, but an untimely word can do more damage than good.

It's been twenty years of waiting and not one of the those kind or hopeful words of being used by God in a big way has come true! So, I have surrendered it, laid it all down at Jesus' feet and walked away. I don't care anymore about my future-and I mean that sincerely. I really do not care about what my future holds. If I never do anything BIG in my families', or friend's, or world's eyes, it's okay because I have learned an important lesson.

I believe that greatest and most exciting part of my life is living in the now. I wake up every morning listening for the voice of God. Listening to what He has for me. Most of it is spoken each day in what He called me to long ago... be a Godly Wife, Mother and teacher to my children. I have the High calling of teaching and training my children in the ways of the Lord. I am called by God to be a Good Stewart of my home. That is my here and now. That is my reality. That is what God has put before me and it is BIG. It is a big deal to obey Him in all of this, each and every day. Raising six children or one child to love God and be another light in this darkened world is big stuff. I am content to be in my home, raising my children, loving my husband and when God wants to use me to bless others, well, that's great too! And I have been used to bless others, and  pray with strangers. The difference is I am not seeking anything outside my present calling to fulfill my heart. The calling on my life for this day, this year, is Big. It is fulfilling and satisfying. Why would I want anything more than what God has asked me to do today?

My heart is no longer sick. It is not waiting and pining over the 'when' will I be used by God- I am being used by God every time I obey what He has set before me today. And I think we don't realize how very Big that is, but it is big. I tell my children all the time, "If you cannot obey me-someone who you can see and hear, how will you obey God, when you cannot see Him or hear His voice audibly?" To obey God delights Him. He is delighted in our obedience and my heart is full knowing that I have made my Daddy proud-today.

If you were blessed by this article, you may want to read:
Success or Failure?
Praying for a Baby
Praying for Someone I Didn't Even Know


  1. Very well spoken! I literally just wrote about future last night!!