Monday, November 5, 2012

Has it All Been for Nothing?

The very one thing that I cannot stand has fallen right into my lap...regret- the feeling that it has all been for nothing. I think regret is horrible, but the thing that brings me to tears is the fact that I don't know how big this regret is yet. Is it a regret of one year's worth of hopes dashed, or more? Have I missed the Lord and for how long? Have I foolishly trusted the untrustworthy again? Have I given my heart whole-heartily for it to only be stomped on? I look back over the last few years and I simply don't know. Was I just too tired or busy to realize that I should not have gone head first and hoped?

It's been a long time since I have felt regret of this magnitude. The last time was in 2005 when I realized that all that I had tried to accomplish with my own biological family, over a period of fifteen years, was for naught. I had been cut-off from my family without so much as a goodbye. My husband and I many times had wanted to move away from my family, but didn't because we believed we were called to stay and love them. After so many years of praying for them to truly know the Lord and see no change for the better, I walked away from it all saying, "What was it all for?"

The truth is and this is not to be mean or harsh, my biological family are pretty much the most horrid people I know and with every year they grew worse instead of better. What were all those years for? I could have moved out of NY at least five years earlier, settled somewhere sweet and not have had to have such heart ache, but we endured and the result? WE were cut off. I remember crying for weeks thinking (in this one area of my life) that the last fifteen years had been a complete waste. I could see no good, and I still have a hard time finding any. I'm not completely sure why the Lord had us stay-I can't imagine my family being any worse than they already were so what difference would it have really made had we left at the ten year mark? I know that God knows, but at the same time the regret has been very hard to deal with and now it's back again.

So, what do you do when you look back on wasted time, energy, even wasted hopes? I can tell you- you cry, and cry. Regret for me has to be one of the saddest emotions. I don't strive to be perfect by any means, but to possibly miss the boat with God really, really, really stinks.  I look back and say to myself, "Why? Why didn't you say something then? Why did you just shrug your shoulders and hope for things to change? Why didn't you take a stand?"  But nope, like a dope, I stayed, sat around, got hurt, continued to hope, continued to pray, waited some more, and eventually got so burned that all I'm left with is-well, quite frankly, regret.

I don't know that I have any real answers to this painful season of my life-I'm still in the midst of it all. Funny thing though, it really is confined to this one area, I'm still quite happy with everything else going on in my life- my husband, children, homeschooling, teaching, friends. If I get my mind off of my regret I'm actually okay.

So, after the tears are shed, I find, all I can do is pray.
Lord, I give you this huge package of regret. Take it from me and turn it into something wonderful. Turn this regret around and help me to see that these last few years or so have not been a complete waste. Show me how you have used me for your service. Show me how to hope again. I leave it in your trustworthy hands and await to see your glorious plan. And Lord, if I have missed your calling, not obeyed your heeding, forgive me and set my feet on the path you have for me. Lead me Lord and I will follow.

" God turns my darkness into light." (Psalm 18:28) 

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