Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Lessson Learned?

I wonder if I will ever learn my lesson. I hope I will, but seeing how I have fallen into the same trap again and again I have little hope of change.

Growing up I truly believed that I was completely unlovable. It wasn't hard to believe that since...well, one of my sisters really hated me my whole life. I mean hated and still hates me. The others didn't care if  I was alive or dead. (sounds pretty harsh-but that's how it was).  My father told us all time and time again, "No one will love you like your family."  and my sisters told me, "You think they love you, but wait 'till they know you like we know you. they'll hate you too." and so my biggest fear was always that point in a friendship where they would "know me" and then hate me.  You won't believe this, but I didn't shy away from people because of these lessons drilled into me--no, I thought, "Well, if they won't love me and they'll hate me eventually, then I might as well be myself from the beginning and just know that I'll never have friends." So there I was, going through life, totally being myself -unashamed. funny thing was people liked me. People wanted to be around me. People wanted to be my friend and I never noticed.

I remember in grade school this one little girl asked me to come over after school as a play date. I said yes of course. I had no sense of "Don't be that girls friend" or judgement on anyone- anyone who wanted me to hang out with them was fine with me-I saw myself as friendless. Anyway, I went to this girls house and I had the best time. We played with a dollhouse her daddy made her. They were a poor family and so the house was made of cardboard, but what a blast we had. then her mother allowed us to bake a cake from a box mix, frost it and eat it! I remember thinking this is the best. I treasured the day. Next day in school other kids found out that I went to "so-in-so's" house. I was told that "We" don't hang out with her and her friends. I was so surprised that anyone cared about "who" I hung out with. I didn't even know that I was a part of the "cool" group. That girl, that I had so much fun with, well, she never invited me over again. I'm really not sure why.

I say all that to say that I've grown up not believing that I am anyone that someone might want to know. Never noticing when I had friends and people who cared about me. All that way up to graduating from college I never really reciprocated any true care or friendliness to anyone.  Never allowed myself to love back because I didn't believe they loved me.

Okay, fast forward to today. So I have just figured out that I am still doing the same thing I guess only a little differently. So I'm plugging along my way, not thinking that I'll make a friend and then someone shows an interest. (The change since childhood is that I now notice when someone is interested in being my friend), but my response to someone noticing me- is sheer delight. I get so excited that someone likes me that I go cloud 9. I think in my head, "we'll be best friends- we'll do everything together- we'll be transparent with one another-challenge each other- share secrets..." etc. so I start sharing with said new friend. Opening up my home. Giving all I have to give. I'm so excited that someone thinks I'm worthy of a friendship and so excited to finally prove my family wrong that I dive in head first without seeing if the friend wants to go that deep, that quick with me. (This is sounding so much more pathetic then it did in my head). End result, the person usually hangs around awhile, I think out of pure shock, and then moves on. I have, I will say  say been able to keep one friend for about 9 years now-she hasn't been scared away yet.  I have another friend, the reason I brought all of this up, that I have known now for years and she is just showing me signs of -not so into the whole Ellie thing. I really went through a time, still sad over it I guess, of kicking myself. How am I still diving in head first???? Making myself so vulnerable when the other party is not????  I've opened my whole life to her and I now realize that I know very little about her. I feel so stupid.

I have a feeling that I won't learn my lesson. I have so much love in my heart-so much some times that I feel like I'm bursting. For example: I love learning how to do new things, but then I also love turning around and teaching someone else. I don't know if I will ever control giving my love away. Part of me hopes not, part of me hopes So. I wonder what will happen to me.

Lord, I want to be fully overwhelmed by YOUR love. I don't want to go running after friendships to prove I'm lovable. Heal this hurt that is deep within me. Let me be satisfied with your love for me.

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