Monday, April 25, 2011

Fire in My Belly

so, i have figured out that i so love when i have a fire in my belly. as i look back on times in my life where i was the most productive it's been when i had a fire in my belly. what do i mean? well, it's when i get an idea, an excitement over getting into a new project and creating something new-learning something I've never learned before.  i love the thrill of a new challenge. I'm usually scared or nervous of what lies ahead, but at the same time my mind becomes like a machine that won't shut off- it thinks, and thinks, and thinks of ways to make this new adventure in my life not so scary.

I really do love being productive. Looking back at the end of a day and saying, "I accomplished that!"

I don't like being idle. My mother was idle. Unproductive. Probably depressed -most of my life. Not to sound depressing, but it's true. I have too many memories of her on the couch (completely laid out) eating one form of nut after the other and watching television. I remember her in bed-reading huge books and of course on the phone for hours. At that time there were no cordless phones, so she would sit in the kitchen, in the dark, curled up in a ball on a chair and talk to someone and cry A-lot. In all these situations she never wanted to be disturbed or bothered. She must have been really depressed. That was my childhood. as I grew up and wanted to be different from her I found that she, although not as depressed as years before, was still completely unproductive.  Who knows maybe she was still depressed. I just can't imagine going my whole life and not creating something. Not challenging myself to find or use any of my God given talents. Not passing on a love or passion for something onto my children.

So, what fire do I have in my belly right now? Nothing. so who am I to talk? Well, I usually have several projects going on at once. Last year I was pregnant, running, for the first time, a VBS program all by myself, teaching, and taking care of my home. I loved it. I had a purpose. I had plans. I felt good about myself.  So if having a plan makes me feel good-then the opposite is also true. I have no plan and  nothing that makes me feel challenged, and so right now I don't feel good about myself.

I had a couple of things that I thought would be great and make me feel like my life had a purpose, but they are gone. I guess I should know better than to find self worth from accomplishing something. I'd love to be fully content with this boring season of my life.  I just wish something was going on in my world. 

Lord, I do surrender. help me to find contentment with what is in my hands for the day.

No comments:

Post a Comment