Monday, May 14, 2012

Undeserving Mom

On the day before Mother's Day, the 'eve,' I am sitting at my kitchen table, bay windows open,  the birds chirping, and the house is quiet. Children napping, some playing quietly and others at a soccer game. I'm a mom. I've done nothing extraordinary to deserve the title. We wanted to have six children, we prayed for them and then God did the rest. They are here and I'm a mom.

Mommyhood has had it's ups and downs. It's had it's surprises-"TWINS!" It's had it's every day dole-drums too. It's had it's laughs and sadly, it's heartbreaks- "Mrs. Gill, please say goodbye to your daughter, she may not make it through surgery."  It's had it's hard moments, and it's God moments, "Mrs. Gill had we not operated you're son would not be with us now."   It's had it's clean-house moments and smelly-house moments. (With twins in diapers I felt many times that I was walking through a perpetual green fog-Lysol couldn't touch it). It's had it's 'hello' to long lasting mom friends and it's had it's 'goodbyes' to my own mother, grandmother and sisters. It's been fun organizing and re-organizing. Changing around furniture to make room for our newest addition. Garage conversion-to just make more room. We've had more celebrations than I could have ever guessed and I so look forward to many more birthday parties, (my three year old has already picked his b-day theme and he turns four in November!), graduation parties, promotions, victories, weddings, baby showers, dedications and the like. I've done nothing to deserve it all, but my heart is so grateful.

I was not chosen by God to have children because I aced my Home Economics class-I never even had a Home Ec. class. I wasn't chosen to be a mom because I can sew, I can't, or cook, I couldn't. I wasn't given children because I was a calm, quiet, person-I'm not. I'm also not a person who, with her first child, had read the Bible clear through. I was no great Christian -still am not.  I was and am completely undeserving of the title-mommy. I did nothing to earn it, God just blessed me with it.

Since becoming a mom I have tried to read as many parenting books that I can get my hands on. I've read through the Word. I've read more Christian 'hero' autobiographies than I can count. I guess you could say that I was trying to earn the title, but I see that I cannot. For so long I have felt that I am walking around in 'mommyhood' shoes that are just too big for me. I walk just flopping around. The shoes have truly felt just too big for me, but now I see that mommyhood  has been freely given to me and the task is to remain surrendered to the Father and follow His leading.

I'm still flopping around in mommy shoes, but my feet are on the path the Lord has for me and I'm no longer worried. Not worried if I'm doing everything right or if I'm making mistakes. That's the wonderful part of being surrendered and knowing there is forgiveness waiting for you. My eyes are on the Lord and His leading-I'm not perfect, but HE is. When I succeed-glory to God and when I fail-there is forgiveness, healing and a new path.

 I am hopeful mom. 
I am a forgiven mom.
I am a grateful mom.
 I am an undeserving mom.

Thank you Jesus for the children you have given to me. 
May the title, "Mom" that I wear make you proud. 
I love you Abba- my Daddy, with all my heart.

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