Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I'm Feeling Different

It is amazing to me how every time I go through a hard time
 I come out of it on the other side a little bit different.
 I'm feeling different-solidly different.

I remember growing up and just really loving my maternal grandfather, but he, for a lot of memory, would get sick and then be better and then be sick again. As I grew up I understood that my grandfather had been having heart attacks, recovering and then getting better again. He would always come home and try to keep the diet the doctors gave him, but in time he would go back to eating whatever he wanted. He even had a triple bypass and came out the other side of it just the same old grandpa. Started out by being careful of what he ate and trying not to get excited over things, but in time he was back to eating whatever he wanted and fussing over things that didn't need fussing. That kind of thing. Well, the last heart attack I remember thinking, "Sure he's had another heart attack, but no worries- it's grandpa!" but when he came home from the hospital, he was not the same man. He was quieter. More patient. Cautious of what he ate. Slower. That was his last heart attack that he survived. When the next one came he didn't come home to us, but to Jesus.

I feel a little like that story of my grandfather.  All these years heart aches have come and gone and I've changed a little here and a little there. Some of the changes, like my grandfather, weren't long lasting. I learned a lesson, but then would fall back into my old habits and forget the lesson learned.  But this time I know I'm different. I feel like my eyes are wide open. I even see myself a little slower, more quiet and even a little more ready to give up or let things go. Don't get me wrong good things have come out too-I'm wiser, more confident than ever in who I am in Christ, and  more sure that my number one priority is in my home. I have written many times of my past insecurities and fears, but I think I've had to face so many fears over this past year that I just don't feel afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of man or what they'll think of me. I'm not afraid of being rejected or judged or even thrown out.

I told a friend that if I had to describe the old me to anyone based on one of the characters from 'Winnie-the-Pooh' I would say I was Tigger.

 After what I've gone through I guess I still see myself as Tigger, 
but I feel like I've lost my bounce.
 That's how different I am feeling. 

I'm not depressed.                                                    
    I'm just feeling different.

I still have the Joy of the Lord within me,   
but I've just got to get used to me not being so bouncy.
The kind of bouncy that I had was a happy mixed with naivety-
it seems to have disappeared.

God says in His Word that He uses all things for His good and I hold that to be very true. (Golly, He is a good God!) Anyway, I wonder how or when He will use this heart ache for good? Curious. I also wonder how me changing is going to be for good. (Not that I would ever think that I don't need change, but I feel so different now). What is God up to?

I feel a new horizon is coming and opening up to me. Things that I've been nervous about facing, even afraid of daring myself to look at are now staring at me and beckoning me to learn and discover. I'll be honest, I'm not afraid of discovering or of what my future holds. I'm going to face it and keep moving and pressing into God. I am really different. I have no comfort zones. I have no plan B. I am marching forward into uncharted territory. I feel a little twang of nervousness, a little bit of excitement, but I'm going. (Gosh, I'm so different).

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