Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Can I Get a Do-over?

I remember when my first child was born and how absolutely ecstatic I was, but soon it hit me that I was not completely ready for the job. The challenge of being mommy, of being a mommy that was not like my mother, and the challenge of not even being the 'old me' seemed tooo much to bear. My heart only came to a peaceful state when I realized that it would take at least three years before my little boy realized that mommy wasn't perfect. I thought, "Okay self, you've got three years to change-you can do this." Well, it's now twelve years later and I'll confess that I've changed some, but not everything. I want a do-over!

I want a do-over because I'm seeing all the things I just can't stand about myself budding up in all my children. (Yuck!) I am constantly saying things like, "Just because you see mommy stressing out doesn't make it right. Mommy is a sinner too-You need to keep your eyes on Jesus and follow Him." It's very humbling and I guess also freeing, but I still want my do-over.

I want to go back in time with, of course, all the knowledge I have now and start raising my children. Golly, how life would be different for me and for them. I have this one chance to do mommyhood, this major job, and I want to get it right. I know that I want to raise Godly children and have them become Godly adults. Responsible children. Kind-hearted, law abiding, God fearing adults. Sometimes I just don't know.

I'm so imperfect. And I know all of you know that, but I mean I'm so far from being what I want to be. So, for instance, I'd like to be strong all the time-I'm not. I get so tired sometimes and when that happens it just throws all my plans right out the window. I'd like to be consistent all the time-I'm not. Sometimes, I set a plan in motion and then I forget the plan. Chaos rises and then and only then do I remember the plan. I have so many good intentions, good ideas, but some how I can't seem to accomplish it all. How can I do it all? Have the quiet times, the family worship time, the schooling times, the fellowship times, discipline, one-on-one times, date nights, training the children...my brain is swirling.

I've made so many mistakes in this life. Sinned on top of sin. And sometimes it's not just that it's like I feel caught in a web of hurt and insecurities- so tangled in it and can't seem to get out. And that's when I cry out to God, "I want a do-over!" I get down on myself for taking sooooo long to change- sooooo long to grow up. I'm _ _ years old for goodness sake-when will I grow up? (Please can I have a do-over?)

It is just so frustrating to feel like a failure and have to keep going. I mean like, well, if I wasn't any good at tennis (which I'm not) I'd quit it, (which I did) and find a new sport. But with mommyhood I'm in it for the very, long haul of it. I'll never quit. Never throw the towel in. I gotta keep going even though I know it's without getting a do-over.

So how do I get out of this? How do I stop wishing, hoping, dreaming of a do-over? Stop pinning over all my wasted efforts? Stop beating myself up for failing? Stop wondering how I got off the path. Well, I'll tell you-it's God. I go to God. I get on my knees and cry a little and sometimes, alot. I lay it all down-all my plans, dreams, hopes, failures and surrender. I collapse in my Heavenly Father's arms and wait. It is truly amazing how, within a day or two, He shows me where I've gone wrong and how to get back on the path. I'll have renewed hope, my head is a little higher and wanting a do-over is a far off notion.

I gotta tell ya, surrendering is an amazing thing. It sounds so opposite of what we should do. I was taught to fight, never give up, never give in. But with God He works contrary to the world. We surrender and that's a good thing. It allows Him to lead. Golly, I call myself a follower of Jesus and yet when I get to a "do-over" stage or mentality I see how far from 'following' I was. It's like I get this notion that I've figured the plan out and it's okay for God to step aside and let me take over. God never wants to move over. He wants to be a part of our lives. He wants to help us, always.

It's also a wonder to me how I never disappoint God. He is always welcoming me back. Always happy to hear me surrender. Always ready to work with me again. Never disowns me. Never abandons me.

Thank Jesus for not throwing the towel in on me. For not abandoning me. For always having open arms to me when I realize that I've walked away. Thank you for always giving me a new plan, a way out. Thank you for giving me hope. I surrender my mommyhood to you again, and my children. Lead the way and I will follow with no do-over =D

Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 1:6

(Part 2 of "Oh to be perfetc... (ooops!)

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