Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Fear...It's So Destructive

There are days where I feel really lovable-not many, but some days. Then there are days where I just sit and wonder, "Does anyone like me?" I am definitely opinionated-that can bite people. I am definitely a driven person-that can make people feel uncomfortable. I am motivated by Christ-that can either encourage people or make people think I'm weird. I feel as if I am usually going against the flow, not in rebellion, but in my conservative views. And I find myself so consumed with the things going on in my home or church that I don't make time for what's going on in the world- some find me dumb. (I find me dumb too). 

So, what is it about me that would make anyone be my true and dear friend?

Most of my friends are pretty much different than me and I wonder why they are holding on to this relationship. What am I offering that keeps them near?  I really am wondering about this today.

I have recently been challenged to confront a person I had to work with. I am usually fine with confrontation, but when asked to confront this particular person everything in me dropped out. This person is so abrasive and soooo opinionated, and might I add-stuck in her ways that I thought, "What's the point in confronting her she'll never change."  It wasn't in a mean way-it was in a scared way. I am actually afraid of this person. Which I didn't realize that anyone could do that to me anymore.'s so destructive. I have found fear motivating me to do the saddest things:

1.I have come to see that over the years I have avoided confronting people who hurt me truly because they make me feel scared.
2. I see now how I've backed away from friendships in fear that I might get hurt again.
3. I also see now how much of my life, particularly the last seven years, I've lived in fear. For example -if someone was very different from me I just avoided any sort of friendship in fear of getting hurt. I knew hurt was inevitable, so, I thought, "Why even try?"
4. And lastly, I've been so afraid of being wrong or shown up as not good enough that I pulled away from people who might detect my weaknesses.

I know that I've been tremendously hurt in my life, but to still be living in fear is so disappointing. I thought that I had grown more than this. Living in fear? Yuck.

Lord, heal me. Fill me with your perfect love to drive out all fear. Forgive me for cowardly hiding behind fears and lies instead of facing my fears. Forgive me for passing up friendships that I could have had. Friendships that could have challenged me, or encouraged me to grow closer to you.

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