I Want More

Each Sunday when we get the newspaper I pour over the sale adds and coupons. Thoughts usually sound like this, "Yes, we need a leaf blower, I wonder if we can get that." or "It's been fourteen years, we need new couches, I wonder if we can get them this year." It's the same old thing each week- thinking and thinking of what we need or want and what we can actually afford. I have a whole list of wants- I'd like to build a green house in the backyard, till the ground, plant grass and section off a place for a garden. Oh, but first I would like to take down about seven of the 75 foot trees that are blocking the sun from reaching our yard! Then there's the new windows for the house, the couches, a dresser, twin mattresses and a window seat. Yes, I can spend money, that is, if we had it. Then I think to myself, "I wish I could get a job. A little job where I can bring money into the family so we can live better." And honestly, to answer your question, that has been my thinking for a couple of years now, but God is changing all that. What I really want now is more of Him.

I look at myself, for instance, and see how far I still have to go to really grasp just how much Jesus loves me. I believe He loves me, but the level of love I receive is no where near how much He actually loves me. When I think of His love for me I can cry. How can He love a sinner like me? How can He forgive me over and over again? How can He stand how little I have changed since I first came into a deeper walk with Him? I can't stand to look at my own sin, how can He? I know I don't know the depth of love He holds for me, but I want to. I want more of Him.

 I look at my marriage and think, "I want more." I want to go deeper, and be closer. I believe my marriage could be so much better and I want it. I pray daily for my marriage. I pray for us to be tender-hearted toward each other. To share more common interests. To laugh more. To spend more time together. I pray for my husband to experience the love of Jesus in a deeper way too. I pray for him to see his own giftings and to use them. I see my husband leading worship. I dream and pray for him every morning. I want more for him and for me- I want more for us.

I look at my parenting and think, "I want more." I want to be a better mother. I want to know my children better. I want to have more time for them. I want to have the time to listen and be with them. To show them how deep my love is for them.  I want to be a better teacher to them. I want our  home school life to be richer.

I look at our finances, and well, yeah, I want more. But if that doesn't happen, I want to have a tighter budget. I want to be wiser in our finances.

I have been very heavy in thought over all this for a couple of  months now. I have to fight against regret, and pray and muster up hope. It's hard to see where I am and think about where I could have been or where I should be at this stage in my life. The regret can feel like a weight around my neck-dragging me down.

So, how do I get more? Whenever I think of having more of Jesus the scene of Jesus walking on the water comes into my mind. I see Peter in the boat, only it's not Peter it's me, and Jesus standing ON the water calling me to come. I know when we think of that story we remember how quickly Peter jumped out of the water, began walking to Jesus, but when the wind and storm began to stir, Peter sank like a rock. We focus on Peter's doubting Jesus to save him. We think on Peter's faithLESSness. But I have to tell you when I see myself in that boat and Jesus' hand outstretched to me, beckoning me to walk to Him on water, well...I can't even lift a foot to get out of the boat, let alone be faithless enough to sink! Getting out of the boat is the hard part for me. The boat means safety and comfort, security. The boat is where I am suppose to be, not walking ON water! But nonetheless, Jesus is calling me to walk on water with Him.

So, what am I trying to say? I think in order to have more of Jesus I have to "get out of the boat" I'm in-I have to get out of my comfort zone- I have to decide to make some changes. So, If I want more time with my husband I have to be committed to a date night once a week. (Nothing expensive- a walk in the neighborhood or on the beach, a cup of coffee, whatever).  If I want to know my children better I have to turn off the television and play games, go on walks with them, read the same books as they are, etc.  If I want to have more money in our savings account than the change will have to be to stop spending. If I want to see changes in myself, well, then, I have to be committed to reading the Bible every day. Wanting more of Jesus means letting go of the boat and walking to Him. He's standing there waiting for me and you- will you walk a few steps to Him? or stay in the boat? I'm jumping out! I'm ready to stop living the 'same old, same old' life and go and do what Jesus has for me. I'm ready for walking on water!

"The reason the world is not seeing Jesus 

is because Christian people are not filled with Jesus.

They are satisfied with weekly meetings, occasionally reading the Bible and sometimes praying. Beloved, if God lays hold of you by the Spirit, you will find that there is an end of everything and a beginning of God so that your whole body becomes seasoned with a divine likeness of God.

Pray this closing prayer:

Fill me, Holy Spirit. May those people with whom I come in to contact daily see only Jesus when they look at my life. Make me a divine likeness of God. Amen'

- Smith Wigglesworth