Thursday, June 28, 2012 hurts...deep

My husband, who I consider not only my best friend, but the only person who really knows me and my heart, said something so profound to me that made me stop in my tracks.

I have to be honest, when Ben speaks, I listen. He is not a man of many words, however he is a man of deep thoughts. He is also the kindest man, with a compassion and a deep unfaltering faith like none I have ever known. I will also say this about him, he has also been blessed with the gift of being a peacemaker. It always amazes me how rough the seas may become between two people and yet he can bring laughter, sense, and peace to the situation. He is one wise guy. (I say that literally -he is wise and yes, as you all know, he is a wise-guy too ;). 

I say all this because when Ben wants to speak into my life I can be assured that it's coming from a place of love for me and for the Lord. I can trust his words. I can also trust that what he has to say is said to prod me forward in my walk. There is no evil plot to crush me. So, what were the words he spoke? Well, I had asked him, "Why do you think I hurt so easily?"  He said, "El, I see a deep wound of rejection in your heart that stems deep down from your childhood." Now that may not sound very alarming to you or even surprising, but for me it was. I guess I thought that fear was my biggest issue I had and that by dealing with fear, well, that was the ticket to freedom.

As he even spoke the word "rejection" I could feel pain in my heart. It resounded in me like a church bell ringing off in the distance. Funny how I have focused so much on getting rid of the 'fear' in my life and never looked at where the fear came from. I've since discovered that there is a fear, a  fear of being rejected.  It may sound so obvious, but really, not to me. You see, the fear of being abused, fear of being yelled at, fear of being cut-off was heavy enough for me to face, but when I look at all that now I see that I was only afraid of being abused, yelled at or cut-off because I was afraid of being rejected. The root of my fear is rejection.

I looked up the definition of reject in the Webster Dictionary. It says:
verb (used with object)
1. to refuse to have, take, recognize, etc.: 
2. to discard or throw out as worthless, useless, or substandard; cast off or out pass over or skip from
4. to discard as useless or unsatisfactory:
5. to rebuff; esp. to deny acceptance, care, love etc. to someone.

While reading over the definitions the words "refuse,"  "discard,"  "worthless" reverberated in me. Those are the words that make me well-up. I was something to be discarded. Worthless.

I've recently been rejected again. And it amazes me that it happened just when I thought I finally knew who I was,  believed in myself, and I was feeling confident even. I never saw it coming and truly, even if I had I would have thought that I have gone through so much rejection that it wouldn't have hurt so bad, but there is nothing like being rejected to knock me right back on my bottom again.

 I've had to sort through gobs of questions in my heart and mind about who I am, my motive for things, who I can trust and how to trust again. I've had to work through vindication-wanting my day in court to defend myself. But in this situation there is no court. There is only judgement and rejection and the story ends. I can see the story 'credits' rise, people standing up and leaving the theater and I'm yelling at the screen, "No, no, I haven't said all I want to say. Let me explain- you've misunderstood!" But the movie is over and I'm left with feelings of rejection and a sense that I may never be able to tell my side of the story.  It's been painful, horribly painful.

Being rejected is so hard-isn't it? In the article I wrote, "I 'yam what I 'yam" I talked about how throughout the years I have been wrongly judged and falsely accused, but never talked about how badly it has hurt me. The judgement is a form of rejection and it has hurt. At times it has really hurt. But like every 'good' trial it yields a measure of growth. Over the last three months I have overcome more fears than I thought I even had. I think the particular fears I have carried are finally smashed and dead. (I can only hope).

So, what does the Bible say about rejection or rather acceptance? I had started my search on rejection and found myself commiserating with many hurting people in the Bible. Then it hit me, I need the Truth to set me free! The truth is I'm not rejected by God-I'm accepted! He knows me. He loves me. He accepts me. The people of this world may reject me time and time again, but there is a constant truth in the Lord and that is...He accepts me.

"The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ..." (Romans 8:16-18) (emphasis mine) I'm accepted as God's child. I am part of HIS family. I am safe in Him-my Father.

"Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God." (John 1:12)  In believing in Jesus as your Savior you are, we are, given the gift of adoption into the family of God. No 'be perfect' requirement here-just believe.

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" (1 John 3:1) Through God's love for us, unending, lavish love we become His children. It is His love that we are His children, not through any works of being good, just His love that swoops us up into His family making us His children.

These scriptures speak to my rejected and wounded heart. I'm His daughter. I'm accepted and there are no words that man may say about me that can ever change that. I'm His daughter and that is the final ruling-that is my justice.

"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." (Hebrew 6:10)

I love this charge:

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." (Romans 15:7) Jesus accepts us- One who is perfect in every way, accepts us who are so far from perfect-shouldn't we then accept one another? and in that way we bring praise to God. 


"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." (Colossians 3:12)  I love this verse-it's very convicting to me. I need to be compassionate, kind, humble, gentle and patient with others so as not to hurt or bruise anyone. If my mind and heart is actively trying to be compassionate, kind, patient, it leaves little room to judge or reject others. 

My heart is be that of Jesus- to love- to accept.  

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