Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Pit in My Stomach

It is amazing to me how everything can be going along swimmingly, but before you know it something in my life is found to be drowning. I'm in that place again- pit in my stomach.

With most things I trust the Lord to get me out of a jam, help me take my foot out of my mouth, open my eyes to a new plan, but when it comes to people, well, God just doesn't control them. Out of His love for us He allows us to make decisions, to allow Him in or to shut Him out. So, when you have a disagreement with a person and pray, "Lord, help them see my heart." Well, He can try, but if the person of whom you are praying for doesn't want to hear from God- well- you're outta luck. 

I'm being misunderstood-again.
I'm being falsely accused -again.

I have no idea how this will turn out because there is a 'person' involved. Will the person see my heart? Will this person apologize? Will they actually humble themselves?

 I've got a pit in my stomach.

Why? because if we can't resolve this thing- where do I go from here? I thought I was walking down a lovely road, and now it appears that there is an immovable, huge, tree fallen right where I was headed.  Do I start down a new path? Do I chip away at the tree and try to forge ahead? 

I'm tired.
I am just so tired.
Tired of being misunderstood. Tired of fighting. I really am. I think I finally get why people just give up. I want to give up and for the first time in my life I don't think that 'giving up' is such a bad thing.

What's to fight for? Who listens? Who really cares? I really wonder. I mean do I stand up and go through the plethora of things I've done to show where my faithfulness lies? Do I say here's my resume- that must be proof of my heart? Do I say, "Look at my kids-they're not turning out too bad." -that's some sort of a proof. But honestly, like the song says, "If you don't know me by now, you will never, ever, ever know me."

I'm done fighting, proving, convincing.

Lord, may your will be done, not mine. Help me to fight if you want me to fight. Help me to walk away if you just want me to walk away. Oh, Lord, I need to hear your voice and have your amazing peace.

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