Wednesday, June 18, 2014


With the many fears I've had to conquer over the years, and with the many fears that are still left, I pray every day for protection over my husband, my children and myself. I believe God hears my prayers, but what I have come to learn is that God wants to protect His children.

I believe that God has saved me from more than I could ever thank Him for. I believe He has protected me from near misses in the car, for it has been over twenty years since I have been involved in a car accident. He protects my children from broken bones or worse. With six children jumping down the stairs, flying through the air on the zip-line, diving into pools, I know He has protected us. He protects me from things I cannot see, and even one time as I could feel the danger.

I was nineteen years old, in college and had decided to study in the campus library one particular Saturday afternoon. My friend dropped me off around 1pm and said he'd pick me up around nine that night after the library closed. I was set for a day of digging in and working hard. After settling into my seat, pulling out my books, I realized that the library closed at 5pm on the weekends. I had no way of contacting my friend, there were no cell phones back then. So, at five o'clock, closing time, I packed up my stuff, searched for a college building that was open, found a desk and kept on studying until nine.

Around seven o'clock the cleaning crew appeared. Many men began filling the hallways, with mops, brooms and the like. They spied me, but never said a word. In time I began to feel anxious about being a woman all alone in building with strange men. I gathered my stuff and continued to study in the foyer, right by the door, until nine. I watched the sun set and was just waiting for the sands of time to empty and release me to go home. The men circled around me on the second floor terrace. Every few minutes watching me. Checking on me. Finally it was 8:45pm, no one was around.
I felt frightened all of a sudden.
A fear dropped down upon me like a spider lowering herself from her web.
I jumped up and began to run.
My destination was clear across the campus.
Fear saturated my veins.
It was dark.
I could not see a single soul on the grounds.
As I ran I could see, in my mind, the faces of the cleaning men and could almost feel them at my heels. When I reached a well lit area, a song entered my mind. A song about angels watching over me by Amy Grant. I was so frigthened that I began singing it out loud and as loud as I could.

I made it.
I reached my  destination.
I sat on the curb and nearly collapsed.
My friend arrived and we drove off.
I wondered all that evening why I was so scared.
What had happened that made my heart fill with terror.

Monday morning, as I sat down to read the Daily News newspaper, I found out why.
A young girl, just about my age, was raped in the very building I had been in on that very same Saturday night.
I had been there.
I never heard a thing.
Never saw her.
But I did see the guilt and sin those men's eyes.

God's unseen hand pushed me out of that building and across the campus. He gave me a song to sing and shout as I ran. Maybe to ward off the enemy. Maybe to put fear in those men's hearts. God saved me. God protected me. I am His and He is my Father. My Father protects me.

Thursday, June 12, 2014


I have a friend who has come back into my life. She usually comes and hangs around for a few days and then without a word, she is off to somewhere... I don't know. But this time she has shown up at my front door and has stayed for quite some time...more than her usual fly by night visit.

In the past I have never gotten much of a chance to talk to her because as rapidly as she appears she disappears. I call her friend for she is faithful to come around, but as of late I am suspecting something else.

She is a friend of many years. A friend that I have known since my childhood days. Whenever my father would show his disgust towards me-she was there. When my sisters taunted and teased me-she was listening. She stored and saved every memory and every word they spoke. Now, whenever she comes around she reminds of those words spoken to me from so very long ago.

For the first time I am realizing that I really don't like the things she says to me. I used to think that she was simply reminding me of the old days, but it's more than that. So, in the past, after a few days of listening to the endlessness of it all,  I would start pretending like I couldn't hear her. Her words, though, went deep into my heart. My strategy has been, if I ignore her long enough she'll actually end up leaving and she does.

Whenever this friend comes around my heart grows sad, so sad that I think that this time rather than allowing her to leave on her own free will, I will have to force her out.

Her name is Worthlessness. She has been a  steady companion my whole life. She reminds me that I'm never good enough. No one loves me. I can never do anything right. No one needs me and I'm a failure.

Well, my old friend, Worthlessness, has popped her head back into my life. Every which way I turn, there she is, in my face, telling me how worthless I am. Saying things like: All my hard work is for nothing. No one cares. No one notices. You aren't making a difference in your children's life. You are no help to anyone. No one really wants you as a friend. You are useless and everyone knows it.

How's that for a way to start your day? I hear the words, half believing them and half going about my day trying to prove her wrong- trying to believe that God has created me for some purpose.

I heard Robert Morris quote the Scripture of how Satan comes as a deceiver, an angel of light. Satan changes himself to deceive us into thinking that he is for us. Robert Morris said that Satan came to him when he was a child, as the Comforter. He mentioned how when he had been beat up by some bullies, Satan came to him and comforted him with words, "Don't worry, next time you'll get them worse than they got you.' And with that thought in his mind he set out for revenge.

Well, I've been deceived too. I've been comforted by Satan.
When I'd ask myself, "Why don't my sisters love me?"
 I'd hear, "It's because you're worthless."
"Why would my father hurt me?"
 Because you're not worthy to be part of the family."
"Why can't I ever fit in?"
Because you have no worth. You have nothing that will benefit anyone."
My thought of response to all of Satan's answers were, "Oh, that totally makes sense. I understand." I believed the lie that I wasn't worth loving, I wasn't worth being treated right, being accepted, and it was all based on the lie that I was worthless.

After all these years I think it's time I finally kick Worthlessness out of my life. That I take hold of the truth and banish her forever. To begin living my life with my head held high in the confidence and truth that God loves me and accepts me. Accepts me.

In the book, "Kisses for Katie" by Katie Davis, she writes, "Adoption is God's heart. His Word says, "In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will" (Ephesians 1:5) He sets the lonely in families (Psalm 68:6) The first word that appears when I look up adoption in the dictionary is "acceptance." God Accepts me adores me even, just as I am." (Kisses for Katie, page 72)

Adoption is God's heart...tears flowed from my eyes as they scanned those words. I've been adopted by GOD. I'm accepted by GOD. I am His daughter. HE wants ME. Rejected by man, but accepted by God. That makes me have worth. He gives me value. He has deposited in me gifts and talents, like an inheritance, from Himself. He has put in me a heart to teach. A heart to love His people. Even a heart to organize and put things in order. I have character traits from my Father in heaven. I am His daughter!

"Sing to God, sing in praise of his name,

    extol him who rides on the clouds;
    rejoice before him—his name is the Lord.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
    is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families,
    he leads out the prisoners with singing;"
(Psalm 68: 4-6)