Monday, March 19, 2012

I'm Nuttin' Special

I'm nothing special is something I've believed for most of my...correction~ all of my life. No matter what I've done, what I have accomplished, what goals I've reached I have truly believed that I am nothing special. I'm not trying to sound pitiful, really I'm not. It's just that when you grow up in a family where everyone is gifted or talented in one area or another you sorta see how 'unspecial' you yourself are.

I have a brother who is a genius. Everything he puts his mind or hands to he is able to accomplish. (His wife is just as amazing. When she gets an idea for a birthday gift, craft for kids, tea party theme~watch out! One day they are going to have their own store and show the world just how amazing they are). My eldest sister is an artist. Her paintings were mind blowing. (She painted a portrait of my niece once that took my breath away).  My second oldest sister was also a genius of sorts and was able to make anything. She taught herself how to sew, knit, and had endless amounts of creative ideas. My next sister was very good at interior design and my last sister was a dancer. She was truly something to see. And then there was me ~ nuttin' special.

I don't think anyone would be able to say that I have a special talent, that is like my family. Each member seems to have a unique gifting all to themselves. I'm not particularly good at any one thing. I'm just your average Joe. And to be perfectly honest with you I was okay with that because there is something else I believed about myself. I believed I was unlovable. In my mind I was completely convinced that I might be likable, that is, for a while, but was definitely not lovable. So there you have it, I was unlovable with no talent and what did it matter? An unlovable, untalented person wasn't going to become anything anyway.

I gotta say that following Jesus and believing I'm worthless has had it's challenges. How can I read the Scriptures and think I am unlovable? It's not possible. So, somewhere along my journey with Jesus, around 1991 and forward, I began to see that I was lovable ~ to Jesus. It was clear to me that He loved me, even adored me. But finding or believing that I am lovable to people, now that has been a real issue.

It is amazing to me how the words spoken over me as a kid have been laid like concrete in my mind. My sister told me, "People may love you now, but when they see you as your family sees you, they'll hate you as we do." Those words have been ringing in my ears since I'm a child. I have heard it time and time again as I make a new friend or hope for a new friend. Too soon I loose hope, I back a way, and lose the friendship I had dearly wanted. I can even look back and see where I automatically thought, "There is no way that 'so-in-so' will ever like me." And with that attitude and thoughts toward that person all I could see were the negative looks directed at me, comments, or even, (ridiculously enough), their body language. I convinced myself that I was right, that they didn't like me and walked away from what could have been a great friendship. (Sabotage!)

Well, recently, I confessed all this to a few ladies that I truly thought did not like me. On my own I tried battling the enemies lies, tried to convince myself that "Surely, they must like something about me," but by and by I fell into what I have always believed as truth and stuck with, "They'll never like me" attitude.  I told them because I thought that either I was going to find out that they didn't like me (there would be no surprise found there) or find out that they loved me, faced my fears and begin a healing in my life. I was hoping for the later, but was unsure.

I was told right away that I must know that what I have been believing was a lie and that I needed to fight against such lies. I agreed. Then these dear sweet friends gathered around me, held me and began praying for me. I was told that I was loved. That I was special. That in many ways I had ministered to them by my openness and honesty.  I cried like a little girl.

To live in fear is a dreadful state. To live believing that you are unlovable is a very lonely one. In knowing Jesus and reading how He faced the lies, fears, abandonment, and rejection has spurred me to the do the same. I want to face my fears and not cower behind them. I want to break down the lies rather than live in the safety of their walls. I want to live as God intended me to live ~ to live knowing I am loved by Him and those He has put in my life. To live without fear. To live freely accepting others love for me. To live according to the plan He has for me.

Psalm 18 has to be my absolutely favorite psalm. It shows the heart of the Father coming to the rescue of His child.
God has done it again.
Rescued me from the lies.
 Surrounded me in truth.
And loved on me in safety. 

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