Tuesday, January 12, 2016

My Guess is...They Really Hate Me

My guess is they really do hate me. What other conclusion can I arrive at? After nine and a half years of silence I must conclude that my parents hate me.

Last night I received a phone call from my brother telling me that my father made contact with him. Yes, it is true, my parents, (and my four sisters) have not spoken to my brother and I these past nine and a half years, until last night. My brother, Mike, went along his every Monday night routine, when my father showed up on his path. My father simply said, "I just wanted to say Happy New Year and thank you for watching over your brother." He then proceeded to shake Mike's hand, turned and left.

Then, gone. Once again-gone.
No apology.
No conversation towards reconciliation.
No attempt to even talk like nothing has happened.
He didn't even yell and throw a fit.
Just gone.

As Mike and I talked we assumed that was all he could do. Plan a meeting. Wait for two hours for Mike to walk by. Say, "Happy New Year and thank you." Shake his hand and leave. We also thought about how my father will be turning 90 years old in a few months and maybe he's realizing that there isn't much time left. Then of course we thought, "What if he's dying."

It really is hard to believe that any parent could do or say the things my parents have said and take it to the point of wiping them out of their life. It's further hard to believe that as he begins to breath his lasts breaths on this earth, he still can not make an official apology.

As Mike and I talked he shared how, in the last nine years, my mother has called him and written him letters, my sister called him and even our brother-in-law made an attempt to call to get him to 'make things right.' As he was talking I realized that my mother has not tried to contact me, nor my sister, or brother-in-law. I realized that they have tried, feeble as it was, to reconcile with Mike, but not with me.
Not me.
I got nothing.

I knew they were upset with my decision to follow Jesus and live according to what He calls me to, But has it been worth missing out on any kind of relationship with me? Has it been worth never seeing me again? Never hearing my voice again? Has it been worth missing out on their grand-children's birth and life? I guess, to them, it has. I guess it does. I guess there is so much hate in them towards me that they cannot see what they are missing.  And I guess they hate me for choosing this way of life in which they felt compelled to cut me out of their lives.

So, what do I do?
Nothing.
I know I am dead to them. All of them. So, there will be no 'goodbye' moment for me before my father passes. I know that now. I am sad, but not entirely for me. I am sad for them too. Sad that they have hardened their hearts towards God and sad to think that they believe they are right. I pray for them that they may know Him. The One who forgives. The One who washes us clean and sets us free. The One who makes my heart soar with the pure excitement and joy as I hear Him call my name and calls me His own. I pray that they may know Him and the power of His Resurrection.

Well, now that I think about it there is something I can do...I can forgive them. Dad, Mom, Regina, Anne, Maria, and Kristen, I forgive you for cutting me out of your life. I forgive you for giving up on me.I forgive you for all the false accusations. I forgive you not hearing my heart. I forgive you for all the time lost. I forgive you for all the memories that could have been made- the laughs that could have been laughed, the talks over coffee that could have been shared, the Christmas' and birthdays that have come and gone without a phone call. And I forgive you for hating me.

Do you want to know something I have learned...
God has not forgotten me, even though my mother has.
I rejoice in knowing HE loves me- that is, my father in Heaven.


(To read more about my family, go to 'Mommy Life' and scroll down to the section "Autobiography.")

2 comments:

  1. Oh... So many emotions rushing through me, yet I have very few words to offer. Simply put, Ellen-- it's THEIR loss. Your beautiful family has made an impact on so many lives, mine included. Your parents have made the huge mistake of missing out on all of those memories. I don't know that it's hate, so much as it's the fact that they're intimidated by you. You and Ben live a life of loving and serving the Lord that many of us strive for. Your joy is contagious and your love is palpable. Hurt people hurt people, and when they realize that no matter what they do, they can't break you, it scares them. I pray for them also. Like I said-- their loss. I'm sorry for any pain they've caused you; I'm grateful for your testimony. Pretty sure the two are tied together. Thank you for sharing (so much for a few words, huh? Lol)!

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  2. I love you so much and appreciate you speaking into my life. I have so many emotions too...and believing for more healing :)

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