Thursday, June 28, 2012 hurts...deep

My husband, who I consider not only my best friend, but the only person who really knows me and my heart, said something so profound to me that made me stop in my tracks.

I have to be honest, when Ben speaks, I listen. He is not a man of many words, however he is a man of deep thoughts. He is also the kindest man, with a compassion and a deep unfaltering faith like none I have ever known. I will also say this about him, he has also been blessed with the gift of being a peacemaker. It always amazes me how rough the seas may become between two people and yet he can bring laughter, sense, and peace to the situation. He is one wise guy. (I say that literally -he is wise and yes, as you all know, he is a wise-guy too ;). 

I say all this because when Ben wants to speak into my life I can be assured that it's coming from a place of love for me and for the Lord. I can trust his words. I can also trust that what he has to say is said to prod me forward in my walk. There is no evil plot to crush me. So, what were the words he spoke? Well, I had asked him, "Why do you think I hurt so easily?"  He said, "El, I see a deep wound of rejection in your heart that stems deep down from your childhood." Now that may not sound very alarming to you or even surprising, but for me it was. I guess I thought that fear was my biggest issue I had and that by dealing with fear, well, that was the ticket to freedom.

As he even spoke the word "rejection" I could feel pain in my heart. It resounded in me like a church bell ringing off in the distance. Funny how I have focused so much on getting rid of the 'fear' in my life and never looked at where the fear came from. I've since discovered that there is a fear, a  fear of being rejected.  It may sound so obvious, but really, not to me. You see, the fear of being abused, fear of being yelled at, fear of being cut-off was heavy enough for me to face, but when I look at all that now I see that I was only afraid of being abused, yelled at or cut-off because I was afraid of being rejected. The root of my fear is rejection.

I looked up the definition of reject in the Webster Dictionary. It says:
verb (used with object)
1. to refuse to have, take, recognize, etc.: 
2. to discard or throw out as worthless, useless, or substandard; cast off or out pass over or skip from
4. to discard as useless or unsatisfactory:
5. to rebuff; esp. to deny acceptance, care, love etc. to someone.

While reading over the definitions the words "refuse,"  "discard,"  "worthless" reverberated in me. Those are the words that make me well-up. I was something to be discarded. Worthless.

I've recently been rejected again. And it amazes me that it happened just when I thought I finally knew who I was,  believed in myself, and I was feeling confident even. I never saw it coming and truly, even if I had I would have thought that I have gone through so much rejection that it wouldn't have hurt so bad, but there is nothing like being rejected to knock me right back on my bottom again.

 I've had to sort through gobs of questions in my heart and mind about who I am, my motive for things, who I can trust and how to trust again. I've had to work through vindication-wanting my day in court to defend myself. But in this situation there is no court. There is only judgement and rejection and the story ends. I can see the story 'credits' rise, people standing up and leaving the theater and I'm yelling at the screen, "No, no, I haven't said all I want to say. Let me explain- you've misunderstood!" But the movie is over and I'm left with feelings of rejection and a sense that I may never be able to tell my side of the story.  It's been painful, horribly painful.

Being rejected is so hard-isn't it? In the article I wrote, "I 'yam what I 'yam" I talked about how throughout the years I have been wrongly judged and falsely accused, but never talked about how badly it has hurt me. The judgement is a form of rejection and it has hurt. At times it has really hurt. But like every 'good' trial it yields a measure of growth. Over the last three months I have overcome more fears than I thought I even had. I think the particular fears I have carried are finally smashed and dead. (I can only hope).

So, what does the Bible say about rejection or rather acceptance? I had started my search on rejection and found myself commiserating with many hurting people in the Bible. Then it hit me, I need the Truth to set me free! The truth is I'm not rejected by God-I'm accepted! He knows me. He loves me. He accepts me. The people of this world may reject me time and time again, but there is a constant truth in the Lord and that is...He accepts me.

"The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ..." (Romans 8:16-18) (emphasis mine) I'm accepted as God's child. I am part of HIS family. I am safe in Him-my Father.

"Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God." (John 1:12)  In believing in Jesus as your Savior you are, we are, given the gift of adoption into the family of God. No 'be perfect' requirement here-just believe.

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" (1 John 3:1) Through God's love for us, unending, lavish love we become His children. It is His love that we are His children, not through any works of being good, just His love that swoops us up into His family making us His children.

These scriptures speak to my rejected and wounded heart. I'm His daughter. I'm accepted and there are no words that man may say about me that can ever change that. I'm His daughter and that is the final ruling-that is my justice.

"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." (Hebrew 6:10)

I love this charge:

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." (Romans 15:7) Jesus accepts us- One who is perfect in every way, accepts us who are so far from perfect-shouldn't we then accept one another? and in that way we bring praise to God. 


"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." (Colossians 3:12)  I love this verse-it's very convicting to me. I need to be compassionate, kind, humble, gentle and patient with others so as not to hurt or bruise anyone. If my mind and heart is actively trying to be compassionate, kind, patient, it leaves little room to judge or reject others. 

My heart is be that of Jesus- to love- to accept.  

Monday, June 18, 2012

Fear vs Faith

It is Fear vs. Faith in the ring today. Fear is looking pretty powerful and ready for the fight of it's life. In this corner is Fear- weighing in at 300lbs. It is the heavy weight champion of the world!  In the opposite corner we have Faith. Looking weak, weighing in at only 120lbs, but there seems to be a determination in it's eyes that just maybe it could win. Hold onto your seats folks- it looks like it's going to be the fight of the century!!! ding-ding- ding!!!

The more I battle fear the more I realize that the opposite of fear is not courage, but faith. 
If we trust in the Lord, fear will flee.

"He trusts in the Lord, let the Lord rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him. (Psalm 22:8)

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped." (Psalm 28:7)

"O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." (Psalm 84:12),

"Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God, save your servant who trusts in you." (Psalm 86:2)

Long ago the Lord gave me a vision:
I saw a tower. The tower was made of slate pieces. The slate plates were grayish, almost charcoal in color and held together with some form of mud. I remember liking how it looked. (I grew up with a bluish slate walkway in my backyard so there was for me in this vision a fondness for this slate tower structure). Inside the tower the Lord showed me that there was someone living in it.  He showed me myself.  I saw that I felt safe inside the tower. I was high up at the top where no one could reach me and there was a safety in that. I remember thinking and feeling happy about the tower.

Then I heard the Lord say to me, "Ellen, will you come down from there and let me give you the tower I have built for you?" I remember thinking, "But why Lord? I'm safe- this structure is good for me."  He kept saying to me, "Ellen will you come down from there and let me give you the tower I have built for you?" Immediately I  felt scared. I knew that I would not disobey the Lord. I knew that eventually I would come down, but in the vision I felt like I had always been in that tower, so long in fact that leaving it would be like leaving my own skin. I remember looking out from the tower and seeing a long skinny road that would lead to my new tower from the Lord. I was afraid to leave. Afraid to walk the path. Afraid of how vulnerable I would be out in the open. Crying, I said 'Yes' to Him. I saw myself leaving the tower.

As I was a safe distance from the tower the Lord began taking it apart slate by slate. It was made of a less sturdy material than I thought- it was crumbling in His hands. He than showed me how each slate plate was formed from hurt and fear from my past. He showed me that I had bricked myself into a tower as a protection from all the hurt I had experienced in my life time. It quickly came falling down to the ground. There was alot of dust and smoke. It was not sturdy. It had not been a safe haven as I had thought. I was sad to see it gone-it meant that I could never go back.

As I turned to walk down the narrow path toward the new tower the Lord had told me He made for me I felt Him with me. I wasn't afraid. I was fine. Then I saw it-the new tower- it was beautiful. It was made of a cinder-block type brick, but smooth and perfect. It was a creamy-white color. The bricks were stacked perfectly on top of each other making a...I don't know if I can describe it, a powerful, round structure. It was strong, solid, and safe. I was welcomed inside - I was safe- really safe. I remember thinking back on the tower I had made and golly, it was so ugly. It was made of slate plates, jagged and rough- sticking out all over and sharp. It was grayish black in color- dark and lonely. It was put together with mud and it was so messy. The difference in the two towers was huge.

I was truly safe inside the tower the Lord had made for me.

After I had received this vision I felt as if a great work had been done in my heart. I can't explain it, but what the Lord showed me through a vision was real. He tore down walls of hurt and fear in my heart and built for me a tower of faith, a place of safety.

When I was younger and someone hurt me I would say things like, "I'll never let her borrow 'that' again." or "I'll never tell her another secret." As I made these vows I was also adding another slate to the wall-bricking myself in and away from others that could potentially hurt me again. I know I will be hurt again and again in this world, but by building my own tower and shutting out people I also shut out the Lord. Through this vision I have learned when someone hurts me the Lord wants me, us, to run to Him, trust Him to bring healing, trust Him to bring protection, trust Him to bring wholeness. Safety comes through faith-a faith knowing that God is on our side- with us in the tower He has made for us.

Soon after the Lord gave me this vision I looked up the word 'tower' in my Bible concordance. I wanted to see what the Bible said about towers-if anything. I found:

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower; 
the righteous run to it and are safe."  Proverbs 18:10

I ran to my Lord.
 I ran to my Strong Tower. 
And I am safe.

Fear has been defeated!!!
Faith is the new heavy weight champion of the world!!!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Godly Girls

Dear Friends,
I am very excited to be able to have a Christian summer camp again this year which is exclusively for girls, ages 7 – 12. And for those of you who do not know it’s called:
“The Godly Girls”
Christian Summer Club

It has been my desire to speak into our girls’ lives about the love of Jesus, to show them that Jesus has a plan for their lives as young ladies and how God has a plan for them as future women, wives and mothers.

Our opening time will be a spiritual one. We will spend time reading specific scriptures I have chosen, allowing for discussion, learning how to journal and to pray. This summer we will spend time each day focusing on the Easter story. I’m calling it, “Forever Easter.”  I am passionate about teaching the children the Word of God and talking to them about, not only, how Jesus died, but why He had to die and His glorious resurrection! It’s such an amazing story of love.

Our craft time will take in the practical side of who we are as ladies. Each craft is to help prepare them for the future role God has for them one day. I’ll be teaching them how to weave their own baskets, how to design their own ceramic cross, how to blow out an egg and design it, jewelry making and baking!

And finally, our lunch time will be a time of learning how to sit, eat and talk like ladies at the table.

Date: July 9 – 13th                          Time:
Attire: a dress/comfortable clothing      Please pack a lunch
Fee: $50/week + registration              Please bring a Bible & journal

I do hope you are able to take part in this very special and fun week. If you are interested, please fill out and send me the registration and registration check of $15.00. (The registration fee is so I can hold your spot and begin buying craft items).

Joy in Jesus,                                       
Ellen ~

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Godly Girls Registration

Child’s Name:______________________________
Child’s age:________________________________
Parents name:______________________________
Phone number:_________ cell phone:____________
Does your child know how to bake?
Registration fee: $15.00
 Please respond no later than Friday, June 15, 2012.

Feel free to contact me:
So looking forward to spending time with all the girls.
 God is sooooo good and I can’t wait to share His love
with each one of them!!!

Blessings, and Joy,
  e-mail me at