Thursday, April 28, 2011

It's a New Day =D

I feel invigorated!  today the kids and I will be gonig out all morning and tomorrow the same. we are checking out possible things to get involved in for next year. after a year of staying in the house and not being a part of any outside (day) activities i look forward to something new. it's an adventure! and i love adventure!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Julie & Julia...I relate

"Julie & Julia" may be an older movie, but I just got the chance to see it. I loved it. I loved how both women searched for something, studied, tackled, worked hard and accomplished their goal.  I loved how, for both of them, life really worked out.

One thing I noticed, as did everyone else who saw the movie, was how Julie and Julia were both unsatisfied with their life. I understood Julia's life's frustration-she appeared older (not sure how old she was)  no children and nothing to do with her time. no hobbies. Not using any of her gifting. Julie on the other hand, seemed so young, (she was 29years old) to be so frustrated or unsatisfied with her life was surprising to me. She still had years to dream and make something happen, but at her 30th birthday she said something like, "I'm saved" referring to her blog and year's goal of cooking some 500 recipes. that's how "lost" she really felt- to actually use a word like, "saved." 

Well, I've been feeling the same way-"lost."  It felt good to know that someone else out there feels like I do. All my friends seem to be content with their lives. I am not completely content. with the things I do daily I am not really seeing any good fruit from all my labor.  Knowing- believing that I have some gift or talent that could be used for this world, but have no idea what. I put my hand to something, it appears enterprising, and nothing. nothing. What's so weird is I thought this feeling of frustration was something new, but as I flipped through an old journal from 2007 my eyes caught my writing that expressed the exact feelings I feel again today. Apparently I've been waiting for a long time for something to happen in my life-no wonder why I feel so frustrated.

So what's it gonna be? I've written a few children's books (that I think are really great), written a Pre-k curriculum (That I really love), would love to write a book on motherhood, my husband really wants me to write my life's story, I love teaching,---would really love for one of these doors to open--I'm so tired of waiting.

Lord, please open a door for me. I want so much to be used.

Lessson Learned?

I wonder if I will ever learn my lesson. I hope I will, but seeing how I have fallen into the same trap again and again I have little hope of change.

Growing up I truly believed that I was completely unlovable. It wasn't hard to believe that since...well, one of my sisters really hated me my whole life. I mean hated and still hates me. The others didn't care if  I was alive or dead. (sounds pretty harsh-but that's how it was).  My father told us all time and time again, "No one will love you like your family."  and my sisters told me, "You think they love you, but wait 'till they know you like we know you. they'll hate you too." and so my biggest fear was always that point in a friendship where they would "know me" and then hate me.  You won't believe this, but I didn't shy away from people because of these lessons drilled into me--no, I thought, "Well, if they won't love me and they'll hate me eventually, then I might as well be myself from the beginning and just know that I'll never have friends." So there I was, going through life, totally being myself -unashamed. funny thing was people liked me. People wanted to be around me. People wanted to be my friend and I never noticed.

I remember in grade school this one little girl asked me to come over after school as a play date. I said yes of course. I had no sense of "Don't be that girls friend" or judgement on anyone- anyone who wanted me to hang out with them was fine with me-I saw myself as friendless. Anyway, I went to this girls house and I had the best time. We played with a dollhouse her daddy made her. They were a poor family and so the house was made of cardboard, but what a blast we had. then her mother allowed us to bake a cake from a box mix, frost it and eat it! I remember thinking this is the best. I treasured the day. Next day in school other kids found out that I went to "so-in-so's" house. I was told that "We" don't hang out with her and her friends. I was so surprised that anyone cared about "who" I hung out with. I didn't even know that I was a part of the "cool" group. That girl, that I had so much fun with, well, she never invited me over again. I'm really not sure why.

I say all that to say that I've grown up not believing that I am anyone that someone might want to know. Never noticing when I had friends and people who cared about me. All that way up to graduating from college I never really reciprocated any true care or friendliness to anyone.  Never allowed myself to love back because I didn't believe they loved me.

Okay, fast forward to today. So I have just figured out that I am still doing the same thing I guess only a little differently. So I'm plugging along my way, not thinking that I'll make a friend and then someone shows an interest. (The change since childhood is that I now notice when someone is interested in being my friend), but my response to someone noticing me- is sheer delight. I get so excited that someone likes me that I go cloud 9. I think in my head, "we'll be best friends- we'll do everything together- we'll be transparent with one another-challenge each other- share secrets..." etc. so I start sharing with said new friend. Opening up my home. Giving all I have to give. I'm so excited that someone thinks I'm worthy of a friendship and so excited to finally prove my family wrong that I dive in head first without seeing if the friend wants to go that deep, that quick with me. (This is sounding so much more pathetic then it did in my head). End result, the person usually hangs around awhile, I think out of pure shock, and then moves on. I have, I will say  say been able to keep one friend for about 9 years now-she hasn't been scared away yet.  I have another friend, the reason I brought all of this up, that I have known now for years and she is just showing me signs of -not so into the whole Ellie thing. I really went through a time, still sad over it I guess, of kicking myself. How am I still diving in head first???? Making myself so vulnerable when the other party is not????  I've opened my whole life to her and I now realize that I know very little about her. I feel so stupid.

I have a feeling that I won't learn my lesson. I have so much love in my heart-so much some times that I feel like I'm bursting. For example: I love learning how to do new things, but then I also love turning around and teaching someone else. I don't know if I will ever control giving my love away. Part of me hopes not, part of me hopes So. I wonder what will happen to me.

Lord, I want to be fully overwhelmed by YOUR love. I don't want to go running after friendships to prove I'm lovable. Heal this hurt that is deep within me. Let me be satisfied with your love for me.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Fire in My Belly

so, i have figured out that i so love when i have a fire in my belly. as i look back on times in my life where i was the most productive it's been when i had a fire in my belly. what do i mean? well, it's when i get an idea, an excitement over getting into a new project and creating something new-learning something I've never learned before.  i love the thrill of a new challenge. I'm usually scared or nervous of what lies ahead, but at the same time my mind becomes like a machine that won't shut off- it thinks, and thinks, and thinks of ways to make this new adventure in my life not so scary.

I really do love being productive. Looking back at the end of a day and saying, "I accomplished that!"

I don't like being idle. My mother was idle. Unproductive. Probably depressed -most of my life. Not to sound depressing, but it's true. I have too many memories of her on the couch (completely laid out) eating one form of nut after the other and watching television. I remember her in bed-reading huge books and of course on the phone for hours. At that time there were no cordless phones, so she would sit in the kitchen, in the dark, curled up in a ball on a chair and talk to someone and cry A-lot. In all these situations she never wanted to be disturbed or bothered. She must have been really depressed. That was my childhood. as I grew up and wanted to be different from her I found that she, although not as depressed as years before, was still completely unproductive.  Who knows maybe she was still depressed. I just can't imagine going my whole life and not creating something. Not challenging myself to find or use any of my God given talents. Not passing on a love or passion for something onto my children.

So, what fire do I have in my belly right now? Nothing. so who am I to talk? Well, I usually have several projects going on at once. Last year I was pregnant, running, for the first time, a VBS program all by myself, teaching, and taking care of my home. I loved it. I had a purpose. I had plans. I felt good about myself.  So if having a plan makes me feel good-then the opposite is also true. I have no plan and  nothing that makes me feel challenged, and so right now I don't feel good about myself.

I had a couple of things that I thought would be great and make me feel like my life had a purpose, but they are gone. I guess I should know better than to find self worth from accomplishing something. I'd love to be fully content with this boring season of my life.  I just wish something was going on in my world. 

Lord, I do surrender. help me to find contentment with what is in my hands for the day.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

What Do I Love???

What do I love? It's funny, but there are so many things I love. I love my Lord. I love the Word of God. I love my husband and children- (that's easy) I love teaching: teaching children, and adults. I love teaching the Bible too. I love sewing. I love making crafts (like making hair bows for my girls, making candles, designing piggy banks and pillow cases..pretty much anything I can learn to do) and being creative. I love designing my kids rooms and painting special canvas' for them. I love, love, love planning their birthday parties- making the cookies and cake to match the theme. I love turning my house into a home even if that means cleaning it day and night until its done. I love children. I love working with teens. I love being a part of a women's ministry. I  love my friends. I even love mowing the lawn and raking leaves because it's a sense of accomplishment and the house looks transformed when its done. Now, mind you, I'm not really good at any one thing, but I really do love it all.

I say "it's funny" that I love so many things because well, honestly, I guess with certain things that have happened in my life maybe I should be angry, resentful, unforgiving and bitter, but since I know Jesus, know his love, I love. Does that sound preachy? Does it sound untrue or religious? Well, I'm sorry to say it, but it's the truth. I had no hope until I found Him. I had no reason to live. I had no love because I didn't know love. That probably sounds corny, I don't mean to, it's just that until I met Jesus at age eighteen I was so lost and hopeless. Life was hard. Not that everything in my life went roses after that, actually some of the worse years of my life were after I met Jesus, but all the bad stuff happened to me on the outside,Jesus was on the inside and that was good.

This blog is not going to be all about me and Jesus, maybe it is, I just wanted a place to be me- to be real-to be optimistic when I want to -even when things are crazy around me. I want to say I love something without feeling judged. Isn't it crazy? I have felt judged just because I'm happy when people think I shouldn't be. (I'm not happy all the time-my husband can tell you-so can my children for that matter). Anyway, that's it. I'm just trying to be a loves.